Thanks in the Living…

This morning, I have a thankful heart that has been awakened by God’s presence and His word. I also have a heavy heart–only by His grace can they coincide. Heaviness reaped in hormones, in the struggle with infertility, in the sadness and grief of death and grave sickness of family and friends, in the complete oblivion and lostness of those close to me, in the numbness of the lives of those living to merely survive. Thankfulness born of His Spirit that lifts my eyes to His word, His truth, His hope in the midst of so much pain around me…
We have to make a point to turn our eyes toward thanks–look up from our emotion and circumstance and pray for recognition. Here is where I give thanks in the midst of living…

The hope given in the life, death and resurrection of Christ who took the wrath that I deserved for my sin and rebellion and bore it that I might have life and relationship with God. There is no wrath or anger from God toward me–all love and mercy. His faithful fatherly hand grows and matures me every day for His glory. This is amazing–no mere consolation prize–my very hope and life!

Health to live and move and love.

The gift of my husband–who has taught me more about God and His word than he thinks–by word and deed. And, he’s pretty funny–we always get a laugh from one another!

My sweet dog, Bailey, who loves and snuggles and plays. She is a gift during this time of simple joy in the midst of pain.

Bailey and Jen romping in the leaves

The family that God has blessed me with who love me, laugh with me and encourage me. From Tennessee to Texas…

All the in-laws in Texas--minus Hunter...

Plus Hunter:)

My sisters, Lynn and Beth

Aunt Nank and Mom

Nieces and Nephews in a pose I made them do:)--Andrew, Brittany, Joel, Sarah, Stephen

Friends that listen, sharpen and speak truth to me–old, new, tried and true. These last few years have included transitions and some isolation due to circumstance. I appreciate the friends who stick closer than a brother even in the midst of their changes. I am blessed, and sometimes I forget it.

The growth and opportunities in WDC. So many people have stepped up to give, pray and encourage. I am blessed to have this opportunity to walk alongside young women and women of all ages to help them ‘think God’s thoughts after Him.’ The gospel has come alive this summer and fall to many, and I thank Him for that.

WDC retreat at the lake in October--Laura, Jen, Liz and Lillie

Fall Equipping for Discipleship Class

The opportunities God has given me to rest in Him in beautiful places. I love the way His creation displays His beauty so well.

My favorite place in the world, Fripp Island.

My second favorite place on earth

The way God’s word keeps coming alive to me more and more as I study it. This fall, I started attending a Precept study with my sis and friends. We have studied the first half of Matthew, and I cannot wait for the second half of Matthew in the spring. It is really teaching me more and more to study the Bible from itself. Great stuff!

So thankful for our church, Fellowship Church, and the focus on the Gospel, discipleship, and serving.

The opportunity to go to Chicago to the Gospel Coalition spending time out of town with Greg, Rick and Teresa Dunn.

Jen and Greg at Wrigley Field, April 2009

So thankful for the life of adventure that lies ahead–it is a faith journey with beauty along the way. There are huge unknowns in our life right now–especially about children. As I was driving home from the WDC retreat in October, I came across this scene. It depicts beauty and blessing in the now, the road of the unknown ahead–uphill (we only see what is right in front of us) and God’s faithfulness for bringing growth and life in the lone tree and the blue sky. Such comfort to know that He is the God of whatever is lying on the other side of that hill–motherhood, childlessness, adoption. I do not have to worry about the other side of that hill right now–I praise Him for this side. I have been reminded so much this year of looking to eternity and Him as my hope and not looking for reward in the here and now. I am thankful for the many ways He blesses me–especially with the knowledge of Him.

Life in 2009

Happy Thanksliving,
Jen

How the corner was turned…

For those of you who have known me for any amount of time, you know that I have never loved Wal-mart. It brought the dread of fingernails on a chalkboard for me to venture there–crowds of families of 10 standing in the middle of aisles, small aisles. It’s like people get stupid when they walk in the doors standing in the middle of aisles, staring at product. I much preferred Target’s wide aisles, cool product, and sense of cleanliness.
In the last couple of years, it has become a necessity to be a part of the Wal-mart adventure because of finances. They really are cheaper. There are very few things that they are more expensive on. So, I would gather my strength and go early on Mondays. I did not like it, but I knew it was wise. It became part of my regular routine.
Over the year, I have come to dread it less. In fact, I do not even complain anymore. I, gulp…, kind of like it now. The main reason is not because of the low prices or convenience. The main reason is because of something that God has done in my heart.
There are so many places in my life right now that people make me feel comfortable, look like me, sound like me, speak my language (literally and figuratively). That can get claustrophobic. That can make you pretty selfish. That is not reality.
When I walk into Wal-mart, God says to my heart, “look around, see those hurting, living life in need, wanting to be noticed.” I see people from all different nationalities, all socioeconomic levels, living in all kinds of drama or boredom. I have had opportunities to smile, interact, pray, share with those alone and in need. Not every time have I taken the opportunity to live outside of myself, but when I prepare my heart to be open, God has blessed me with humility and brokenness over the needs of others.
This is gross, but I think I used to think I was above Wal-mart. Then, again, I am reminded of the Gospel. Christ condescended to us–messy, crowded hearts, full of drama and boredom, haters. He walked into our lives and loved us physically, emotionally, spiritually. He reached out to the least of these calling for us to repent and follow Him. There may be no other place in my life where it is more real to carry the message of the Gospel than to my neighborhood Wal-mart. Pretty amazing what God can teach us in the everyday. Pretty amazing that He shows me that I am exactly like everyone else in there–in need and sometimes clueless to my need. When I left Wal-mart last week, I left with a joy in my heart and thankfulness for His mercy. I did not see that one coming!

Living Life…

“Whoever find (her) life will lose it, and whoever loses (her) life for My sake will find it.” Matthew 10:39

What does this look like in our day to day life? I am studying Matthew and have been in Matthew 8-10 today. I am reminded again about the cost of discipleship. We are not promised anything different than our Master, Jesus. Let’s evaluate His life…he was popular with the masses when He was healing, casting out demons, forgiving sins (the “what can we get from this” philosophy). He reached out to the forsaken and foreign and sick (place any name here that might cost you to reach out to:)–including us–hello!). He was homeless (we are aliens/strangers in the world–this is not our home). Then, He was rejected in His hometown (hmmm–I have been rejected by those who claim to be on the same side as me). The religious leaders of the day hated Him because of His message and compassion (standing for truth is not popular–nor does it tickle the ears of self-righteous men or women). He was tortured, killed and as an innocent man punished with God’s wrath for His enemies (our) sins (In our freedom in Him, He calls us to take up our cross and follow Him). He teaches that His message will divide families and that our love for them is not to overshadow our love and devotion to Him.

A few months ago, I memorized Phil 3:7-11.

‘But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as RUBBISH, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness of God that depends on faith–that I may know him and the power of his resurection, and may share his sufferings , becoming like him in his death that by any means possible I may attain the resurection from the dead.’

I struggled mightily with that last sentence–memorizing in my heart to really mean it. The power and the resurection part–yeah…on board. The sharing in his sufferings and becoming like him in his death–that’s where the big crowds for healing and forgiveness leave–including me. This all hinges on the ’surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.’ When we KNOW him for who he really is–we count everything as loss. We are ready to lose our lives here–reputation, status, things, vanity, dreams, self-righteousness, family–because we see his surpassing worth and an eye for eternity with him. This life is a blip, but oh how I treat it as the end all, be all. IT. IS. NOT.
The Spirit has spoken through the Word–take up your cross (die to yourself) and follow me. He is a good shepherd who has compassion and mercy like no other. He takes my dreams and rearranges them and breaks me of my blinded will to weave a tapestry of beauty that points to Him. He says,

“Jennifer, die to the American dream of being comfortable, of having kids to build your life around, of fixing your kingdom here in houses that fade, and of spending on momentary pleasures. Look at the bigger picture. I have created you to be a light for Me–for My glory. Do you know what a privilege that is? Do not cry over scraps of this life when I have called you to the surpassing worth of knowing My Son, peace that passes all your understanding–that fills more than good food, wine, new outfits, awards, attention for beauty, entertainment, accolades for ministry. Your momentary tears will be dried, and you will spend eternity in joy and fellowship and great treasures in Me. You do not have any idea, my daughter–no idea. For this time, I teach you patiently–again and again of My worth. I teach you to die to You and live to Me. My good really is your good–surrender, my child. For in surrendering to Me, you will find All–real life, true life, abundant life. This will look so different to the world–foolish–something to be pitied. Don’t worry about what they think–fear Me–the Almighty God, Creator of this Universe, the One who holds the keys of Heaven and Hell. I have got you–proclaim the life in Me.”

So, today, I surrender. And, I pray for the strength to do so tomorrow. I am weak–but in my weakness, I pray that He make me strong in Him. I pray the same for you.

Slowing Down

After the last intense blog, I feel like a need to put people at ease. (Trying to package it again:)) I do want to give an update:
Last year or so I picked up a book recommended to me by my friend, Melba. I did not read it then, but God reminded me of it as I got to the end of myself in pain the other day. The book is written by Larry Crabb and called Shattered Dreams. It is a very timely read for me. This is not a book to make me feel better, but it is a book that encouraged me to enter the pain instead of numb and run from it. The writer encourages us that God shatters our lesser dreams that we might know the greater dream of Him and live in true joy in Him–this is a time consuming process of trust in Him. I know that many in pain would go–”uh, that’s not cool. I just want to feel better,” and I get that–believe me. That is our instant gratification, god is there to serve me, sinful heart talking. It is a longer book than that sentence though as he traces Naomi’s journey in the book of Ruth.
Our lives and hearts are not a quick fix, and we are created for more than we see in front of us. I have been reading this book slowly throughout the last few weeks. I got the chance to go with my sister to her lake house to study and be quiet for a portion of last weekend. I am trying to take those times more instead of running from them as God calls me to be real with Him. My pain has not been erased, but I continue in the journey continually seeing God’s faithfulness in so many ways.
On this journey I am journeying with others who are in pain. My friend, Melba told me about a conference that a friend of hers attended that talked about leaving a legacy to your children of how to suffer well. Wow. I have never heard that topic passed on! I loved it, though. That is what I want to pass on to these young women I disciple–a Biblical understanding and experience of suffering well. Why do we think we are immune when in scripture it proclaims the opposite? We walk in Christ–who suffered for our sake. Through sufferings we so learn who HE is and commune with who He is. We are made into the image of Christ. Easy? Uh, no.
As I reflect back to the last five years, I have had the most intense suffering of my life. I have never grown so much or known Him so much through my Dad’s sickness and death, marriage, infertility. I have really seen God’s faithfulness and character and love. I WOULD not trade it for things that sometimes tempt me– a big house, two perfect kids, spa days every week, luxurious vacations and a husband who bends to my every whim for I would have missed the meaning in life–Christ. My reward is not here–repeat–not here.
One of my girls just sent me this scripture:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a LIVING HOPE through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith–more precious that gold that perishes though it is tested by fire–may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Christ Jesus. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1:3-9

No packages here…

This continues to be an intense season of pain, and truthfully, I do not like it. Yesterday, God brought me to a place where I had to cry out for help to be able to process the pain in some way. My tears that flow easily for the pain of others do not flow easily for my individual pain. I texted my friend Beth that I was cry constipated. There is this burning sorrow within me that I know needs to be experienced or I am going to totally shut down. (She suggested a sappy hallmark movie to get the tears flowing.)
It is ironic that in the month that I felt a peace in taking time off of our infertility treatments, I have the most intense sadness. What do I want? Well…I want the pain to go away. That is the immediate want. I want to live my life devoid of the emotions of sadness and anger that seem to be plaguing my heart. “God, could you do that so I can get on about your business?” What I am learning…this is His business…this process of sadness and barrenness and lack of whys to explain everything away. He does not work in the way that I want Him to work. He is so much wiser and has a much better purpose than making me feel better about life–a deeper truer life-changing purpose.
I sat with a dear friend who is heartbroken last week, and finally admitted that the older I get the more messy life gets. Messy in that I cannot package a “why” for everything–even in retrospect. It makes me feel safe to try to figure God out…”oh, He is doing this so He can do this and so this will happen…and He gets the most glory this way because life is about His glory.” I do know His word says that we are to live to glorify Him and that He is making us more like Him progressively…and He is the victor. However, things along the way are not that neat because of a little thing called sin–the consequences of it played out in this world–in my heart–in families–in my womb. I realize as well that I am afraid of other’s reaction to my pain…I would rather package it neatly with an answer than to have to experience people not knowing what to say or running away or saying something hurtfully stupid.
I finally admitted to myself and God that I want a biological child, and the longer this thing goes and we get to the end of treatments, the more the reality of that seems bleak. I want to be able to shoulder all of this with a good neat attitude, but I am a bit of a mess. And, I am learning that God wants me to be a mess in Him–sharing my heart–walking with Him.
So, if you came today to read a neatly packaged story of life to gain a tidbit of wisdom–I am sorry. This is the work He is doing–and this is me not quite understanding it.

A full heart…

I just finished some time this morning in Philippians. Wow. How easily we forget what our lives are about. In Philippians, Paul writes as an imprisoned man.
If I wrote from prison, I think my letter would be quite depressing. “The food here is awful…You would never believe what the people talk about…I get harassed non-stop…I’m depressed…I’m innocent and it’s not fair that I am here!” You can imagine your own letter.
However, Paul writes this amazing letter encouraging the Philippian church in his own suffering as they are also called to suffer for the gospel and the sake of Christ. His perspective in God-entranced instead of man-focused. He even says that he is glad that the prison guards are now able to hear the gospel. His heart and mind are so truth focused. Most people have looked at chapter 2 of Philippians where he talks about the humility and example of Christ, thinking of others before yourself, etc. I guess we can look at it as theory, but he lives it as reality. He is in prison thinking about the Philippian church and spurring them on to faithful lives in Christ for His gospel. When he talks in chapter 3 about counting all things as loss for the sake of Christ and for the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus His Lord. He is not talking in generalities but specifics–he did not have his freedom. In chapter 4 when he says rejoice always in the Lord and do not be anxious–he was living that out in God’s power. When he says think on things that are true, excellent, praiseworthy, noble, etc, he has shown that example in the whole letter. When he says in chapter 3 that he has learned the secret of being content in all circumstances, he is living it right there in front of us. Do you think that is a life of loving God with all his heart, mind and strength? Uh, Yes! The same Spirit in Paul is in those who have repented of their sin and put their faith in Christ’s work on the cross.
Just as Paul was imprisoned to minister the gospel there, we are each in whatever season we are in to minister the gospel and give God glory where we are. We know that He is about sanctifying us (that’s His will–1 Thes 4:3), but He is also doing a work beyond us–for the body who know Him and who are to know Him. Our lives are not our own.
As I have been walking through infertility and writing about it here, my prayer is that others have seen the gospel–the power of God–an example. Not that I am bearing perfectly, but this is bigger than having a baby. Those circumstantial things are not the ends in our lives. Each thing serves as the means by which Christ is exalted. Our lives are not our own.
There are many different seasons of joy and hardship in our lives. Yours may be an impossible marriage with one who does not know Christ. There is purpose beyond yourself and your happiness in it. Yours may be wayward children, disabled children, and unfulfilling job. My friend, it is bigger than just you.
Greg, my husband, always says “how are people to know how to deal with suffering…such as sickness, death, divorce, etc, if Christians do not live that example out?” We are not immune from suffering, but He is faithful and has purpose. Is it easy? HA! NO! But how are people to know the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus if the reality of life on this earth is not lived out by those who are being transformed by Christ in hope?
The awesome thing about Philippians is Paul is in a place of suffering living out the very truth he is preaching. It is not theory–it’s fact. How gracious of God to show us examples in Paul…in Christ…in David…in Ruth…etc, etc. All but Christ were humans, but all had–”Christ in them, the Hope of Glory.” We in Christ are empowered with the Spirit to remind us of truth, to strengthen us with the power that raised Christ from the dead, to give us hope in Him instead of anxiety, to teach us to rejoice in the midst of suffering.
May we live in the reality of Christ in whatever circumstance we are in–knowing “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

*Note…in no way I am encouraging you to think that your circumstance does not count…God bears with you as a loving Father through it. However, it is not about the circumstance just going away–it is about much more. Bring your mind to reflect on His truth.

A hidden talent…

I have a hidden talent that I have honed all my life. Depending upon the season of life and circumstances, I could be called an expert. This talent is not something to be proud of. It is not healthy or truthful. It involves self-worship, and it does not produce fruit that lasts and encourages.
That talent is worry. I can tell you where all the verses are found to encourage releasing my anxiety to God–Matthew 6, Philippians 4, 1 Peter 5. I have even worried about worrying so much. It is a talent that has been passed down in my family including worrying about what others think, worrying about doing things perfectly, worrying about what happens next, worrying about how I am coming across. I am a firm believer in God’s sovereignty, but if I am a worrier, do I really believe?
In Crazy Love by Francis Chan he explains that

‘worry implies that we don’t quite trust God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives.’

’stress says that things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control.’

This sentence got me–’ basically, these two behaviors communicate that it’s okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life in somehow exceptional.’ Gulp.
More than any sin, I think we can encourage one another to worry. There is this fine line between listening to someone vent and feeding mistrust in God.
Lately, I might be sounding like a broken record with infertility. I am given the opportunity every day to walk in my hidden talent or walk by trusting in his grace and strength. More than any situation in my life, I have been reminded that I am not in control. (I think marriage to Greg has taught me that, too) I cannot open my womb–no amount of hormones or standing on my head or old wives tales can create life. Even no amount of worrying prayer and bargaining with God will bring life to my womb. You know what I mean by worrying prayer—”God will make it happen if I pray in this way with these people and I pray enough and I try to be as good and trusting as I can.” Let me know how that works because there are 13 year old girls and drug addicts not praying who get pregnant every day. We, as believers, are not given what we “deserve” in life (good or bad)–God is a wonderfully mysterious God of grace. My greatest worry is probably Greg’s age and mine–”how will I be a good mom when I am older? what if I die and leave my children? what if it is not convenient or too hard? what if I have quadruplets?” You get the picture.
Here’s the problem, I think I am god. And, that is a huge problem–I have put another god before Him and have made an idol. In the words of Dr. Phil, “how’s that working for me?” The problem then is not the circumstance of infertility. The problem is my adulterous heart that is looking somewhere else and worshipping someone other than the amazing Lord that is my King. It is not okay to worry. Like any other sin, I must confess and repent and remember the forgiveness of the cross. I choose to remember the truth that Christ is my righteousness–he trusted the Father perfectly. I admit that I am a poor god, and I am reminded of His character–infinitely faithful (I am finitely fickle). Then, my sin is exchanged for worship and awe.
Chan expounds that worry and stress ‘declare our tendency to forget that we have been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won’t be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God’s strength, our problems are small, indeed.’
Who is God? Creator, Sustainer of life, Redeemer, Deliverer, Giver of life, Just, Merciful Father, Good, The only one worthy to be praised, Everlasting, Sovereign…and much more.
His purposes are high above ours–and better than our finite wishes, and He invites us with Him. The problem–we cling to our finite wishes and treasures instead of letting the debris go and trusting His character. These last few weeks I have been faced with the temptation for anxiety at every turn, but I can say that I have been purposefully looking to Him for TODAY and trusting Him for TODAY. I do not want to borrow worries from tomorrow, and I have enjoyed today more than worrying about tomorrow (not perfectly). This is His grace because I have been on hormones that I have made me irritable and cloudy and tired. May I remember His faithfulness and trust His ways above my own understanding! Maybe I can develop some helpful hidden talents with the time that I would have been worrying!

Where has the time gone?

Summer was just beginning, and now it’s gone. Poof, and I am much more tired than when it began. How can that be? Summer is traditionally the time for rest in our house. During the school year, there are at least 2-3 nights a week where one or both of us are gone, and we cherish summer nights where we can be at home together.
This is the first year we have been married that Greg had only one week of camp (this was on purpose). When we first were married, he traveled full time, and I went with him across the country in the summer because I was off in the summers as a school counselor. Our first year, we were at a camp in the middle of Texas, the beach several times (maybe even 3 that year), and in Colorado. I was gung ho to meet and develop relationships with teenagers. That desire then changed to developing relationships with college leaders. I realized that the teenagers could really care less if I was there or not and needed to be bonding with their leaders that were with them all the time:). There is something that becomes carefree about me when I am away from home and traveling. I relax. Ironically, Greg tenses up away from home. We are not compatible in all ways:).
Since Greg has been full time at Fellowship, he has been doing camps and conferences about 3 weeks a summer. I was choosy going to the beach and fun locations like New Mexico (where we met). With Rheumatoid Arthritis coming last year, his schedule is slowing down. If he had a full schedule this summer, he would have had an even crazier wife than he already has right now!
My favorite things about this summer: (not in order of importance)

1. Vegetables growing well in my backyard–tomatoes, squash and jalapenos (next summer, okra and cukes too!)
2. The beach trip with WDC girls
3. Meeting Davis and Lilly Claire Winn (they came in with a surprising and scary bang)
4. Brittany and Ben’s wedding
5. Seeing God bring so many young women for fall for me to meet with and disciple–8, yes 8!
6. Conquering regularly mowing and weed eating the yard! I learned new skills!
7. Beaching with my mom and getting to be with family and friends at Satilla in late May
8. Celebrating 8 years of marriage with Greg and eating the absolute best steak I have ever put in my mouth!
9. Being grateful for deep friendships near and far that God has blessed me with
10. Everyday being grateful for my husband’s graciousness and love toward me–I have given him several reasons
this summer to need to share it (banging my car into his two days ago, being crazy with hormones, being
more busy than I can keep up with)

As the fall approaches, I pray that I can rest in Christ instead of stubbornly trying to use my own energy. In fact, I really don’t have any excess energy! There are many new relationships that I am beginning in ministry with young women from WDC. In fact, 5 young women will be new that I am discipling. I pray God give me the love and discernment to pour in well.
I also begin a new and last phase of infertility treatments this week. I am pretty anxious about them, even though I am trying to relax. The treatments involve everyday or every other day doctor visits and shots, so it will be hard to relax and forget when it is in your face 24-7. Sometimes you know in your mind that God is in control of every minute detail, but your heart lags behind in trust. I am praying that I remember that and be fortified with truth. My prayer has been that I take each day as a blessing from God and obey him and love him in the midst not worrying about tomorrow. (Some moments I remember this:))
I have been a very inconsistent blogger this summer because of busyness and heavy heart. I don’t simply want to write about infertility and the heaviness of that every time. I guess it has been evident that that struggle has moved into the forefront. In all of this, I am very grateful for the life God has given me right now. These struggles will pass and others will come. O, how I look forward to the day of completion in Christ when all of the pain and struggles of this life (because of our sin) will be no more! That is something way better than summer!

Wide Angle Lens

Don’t you just wish that you could view your life with a wide angle lens? We can get so mired down in our specific trouble that we become nearsighted and blind. There are those rare occasions that God gives me a gracious glimpse of his purposes and reasons and I actually listen. Notice I said rare…
On Sunday, I was heading out the door to church when Liz, a girl I mentor, called. She was very scared and had been in a car wreck on the interstate about an hour from Knoxville. She could not reach her mother, and I took off to go help her. It was a blessing to be freed up to do that. I was able to be her mom’s hands and feet when she was not able to in another state. I’d like to think that I have been a step in for moms in many ways–to comfort scared daughters, to encourage, to rebuke, to share wisdom when they might not listen to their earthly moms. I thought to myself, “what would I do if I were her Mom?” “I would comfort, listen, feed her and make sure she gets rest.” So, I took her to lunch, and we talked about all kinds of things, and then I took her home to be comforted by her roomates.
I do not know the exact whys that God has me in the place of infertility (except that I know he is making me more like him and is being glorified in my suffering), but I was able to see with his eyes how I can minister to others now. If I had a baby, I would not be able to drop everything and help. My fall is filled with young women that I am mentoring–the scale would be much smaller with children. Another incident happened on Monday that God encouraged my obedience by helping one who could not help themselves. I was overwhelmed with joy of having the time to listen and respond–that he would give me an opportunity to be his hands.
I do not share this to toot my horn…I share it in joy because he gave me a bird’s eye view perspective. He allowed me to see others in need so that I was not blinded by my slight momentary heartache.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
“So we do not lose heart. Thought our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

Infertility, Rheumatoid Arthritis, family troubles, hard children, disagreements, unloving parents, unfair circumstances, frustrating marriages, financial troubles, unfulfilled feelings–are the things we see and experience everyday. These things are transient, but his truth which is unseen, his faithfulness, his promise, Christ, the eternal weight of glory is eternal. That is the wide angle lens of truth that I want to remember everyday. This day and it’s troubles in the light of eternity are nothing. Not to say that we cannot be sad and long for him–I think that is very biblical.

Psalm 88 shows us what it is to be real and lament in the midst of great pain without a reasonable answer of why our lives are the way they are. I am learning (ever so slowly and stubbornly) that I can be real with God in my pain and yet praise him and cling to his truth. I think I had been doing one or the other. I would either, cling to his truth that he is refining me and it is for his glory without engaging my heartache, or wallow in self-pity and sadness thinking solely about myself. Psalm 88 and a study I am doing called How People Change encouraged me to be real and face my pain and anger while soaking in his truth and the gospel. God did not create robots but real people with real emotions. Burying anger and sadness and numbing myself to get through and say the right things is not honoring to him–it does not make much of him. I was simply self-protecting. He is showing me to come to him in the midst–the messy package that I am–leaning into his truth and strength.
Oh that I can see with the wide angle lens and help others see with the wide angle lens. May I remember the eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison that I am being prepared for.

James 1:3-4
“For you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

Perfect and complete, lacking in nothing…wow. That is a wide angle lens. The Bible has a lot to say about suffering. May it form my worldview instead of an instant gratification culture that demands now and pouts when it does not come to pass in our timing.

A little get-away…

I have been absent from blogging life this past month with my in-laws visiting, WDC stuff, helping friends, and overall busyness. Because I am linked to Jacob and Beth Winn’s blog about their twins, more and more people I know have been reading and learning about what is going on in my life. That is a little intimidating to say the least. I try to be open, but I do not know if people know how to deal with that very well:). I have had several conversations about the blog with many women around our church over the last month. So many have been heartfelt in their concern and love. I do appreciate the prayers of so many in dealing with issues of infertility and simply life as a woman.
Infertility has had a loud voice in life lately, and I got a great break from that as I took 3 young women with me to the beach. It was a WDC trip–now an annual one per Liz’s suggestion. Three girls went that did not know each other very well (if at all), and we had laughter, stories, silliness, questions, conversations about marriage and struggles and the past and the future. It was a great time of being together, cooking together, playing games together, getting creeped out by sea creatures together. These girls and their laughter were a salve in my heart that has felt like an empty hole has been shot through it dealing with infertility. In fact, I did not even think about it (except for when the conversation came up). We all need retreats away from life with those who are in Christ. Even though I was technically in charge, I was relaxed and grateful for the time with them. I feel like they got to know me in a way that may not be possible over coffee and Bible study. And I certainly got to see their day to day habits and how each of them were hilarious in their own way. This 34 year old got an education in many things from 21 and 22 year olds.
Again, I see how thankful I am for WDC and the wonderful opportunities for discipleship and relationship that God has provided in a special time. It is worth every moment to serve and love on these girls. I know I would not have the fullness of this opportunity if I had two to three kids right now. Thank you to all who give to WDC and pray monthly–you are making a difference in the lives of young women.