Purposed thoughts

This past week, I took time to reflect and study the last week of Jesus’ life before his death and resurrection.  I do not recall an Easter that was so meaningful.  His word focused and directed me to meditate on Christ and his cross and my wretchedness.  I know it sounds simple, but I find that sometimes the simplest of things I skip.  Our church had a Good Friday service on Friday night, and it was one of the most special times there I have experienced.  I know it was enhanced because my heart had been prepared all week to reflect on the beauty and suffering of Christ.  Greg spoke on the seven things Jesus said from the cross, and I found myself broken and hopeful all at the same time.  The crescendo was yesterday morning….our greatest sorrow at Christ’s death turned into the explosion of the greatest joy at His resurrection.  I had the priviledge of helping to lead worship yesterday and celebrate the Beautiful Savior, and it was a gift to be able to join with His saints and sing His praise. This week, Greg and I met with a man from our church who reminded me that nothing we have is our own or by our own merit.  God does not need us (another simple truth I can forget in the pace of life), but He invites us to join Him and use the gifts He has given us to point others to Him.  He gave me forgiveness and abundant life in Him and graciously has given me ways to share that with others.  I am humbled and my heart rejoices at the beauty of my King, Jesus.  May I reflect on who He is and who I am and be reminded that He is all!  

Limping along

 My life is a lot about relationships…listening, praying, counseling, teaching, checking in, studying (in order to teach).  The other part is the task oriented piece of keeping our house in order and managing our finances.  (I make it sound like I should say words like portfolio and fiscal.) For those of you who do not know, I have been pursuing avenues of discipleship with young women on UT’s campus.  I am praying about and exploring the possibility of forming a ministry (not in stone, yet).  I would like to equip other women to pour in solidly to younger women who continue the process.  I am attempting to work on a curriculum, however loose it is right now, to point women toward living in Christ by knowing him through clinging to his word.  There is such a lack of true discipleship…I see people blown by the winds of circumstance and false teaching when we have his Truth to guide us.  Though, most in the church do not know it (His word) or know what to do with it.  The only constant we have is Christ…our solid rock. All of this to say, I have a million thoughts of shoulds in my mind a minute.  In the moments I am not meeting with people and having intense conversations, I think, “I should work on a lesson of the curriculum…I should call person x to set up a meeting…I should mop my grimy kitchen floor.”  (Might I add that the floor is always last–who has a white floor with a Boxer puppy and a bald back yard?  Yes, only the Pinkners…)   This week is spring break for UT–it has come at a good time.  I find myself without a lot of words and at the end of my patience rope.  I have a weary exhaustion inside.  There are a lot of things to do, but my body feels like it will only go half speed.  I thought our nights would be slower this week, but they are full.  However, it has been good to sit with Him in the morning and read of Christ’s life his last week before his death and examine my heart in the light of his scripture.   I reflect this morning about all the times Jesus pulled away to be with His Father.  We all need times of Sabbath rest where we are reminded that He is our all sufficient one.  Within myself, I have no wise answers or perfect responses or even love to give anyone…it all comes from Him who is making me like Jesus.  I am humbled that I desperately need Him.  My body tells me that. My quick, terse tongue tells me that, and the grimy floor tells me that.

As Children

Remember that smell that you have after playing outside for a blissful afternoon?  Sometimes there is nothing better that little boy smell after hours of sweat earned from playing outside.  Think on the mussed hair that children offer as presentable.  The joy of seeing giggling children playing in the rain, in the mud–messed up.  They have no idea that they need to pretend to be something that they are not…they are just as they are. Yesterday morning the children’s choir sang at our church.  As I listened to their clear and sometimes exuberant voices, I noticed the untucked shirts, the mussed hair.  I thought on how they are dependent on their parents and caregivers for everything…food, shelter, clothing, emotional health, physical health.  Then, quietly I was humbled and reminded that Jesus said…come to me and receive me like a little child.  What a lesson…in faith and trust and not trying to earn my way or straighten myself…but just as a little child in exuberance and joy.  

This week…

This week marks the week of Christ’s suffering and death  and ressurection.  It has been a blessing already as I have read the scriptures of his entry into Jerusalem and his ministry in the first part of the week.   Yesterday, I was reminded in personal time with God and at church that Jesus did not deliver the kind of ruler and person  the Jews expected.  Conviction set over my heart as I pondered the idol I have made of Christ in my life and the idol the church has made.  As, I read this morning about Jesus cursing the fig tree, cleansing the temple and telling the Parable of the Tenants, I was amazed and humbled.   I was reminded of Isaiah after he saw God…declaring I am a woman of unclean lips.   The church declares many things about Christ…depending upon which flavor you get.  There is a lot of talk today about the mercy and love without the might, wrath and justice.  In God’s word, all are beautifully written.  In Christ, all are beautifully portrayed.   Today my memory was jarred to the fact that Jesus spoke about the judgement of God plainly at the beginning of the Passion week.   I am reminded of the judgement that I soooooo deserve, and I weep in thankful humbleness at the work of Christ on my behalf.  He took my judgement for my sin.  He bore the wrath.  He bore the shame.  It is finished.  May I praise Him all of my days and not live as though it is not so.   I encourage you to examine your hearts this week…examine His scriptures.  Forgiveness is not given universally to all…but to those who by His Spirit, repent(turn) from their sin and confess  and believe that Jesus is  Lord and that he died for one’s sins and was resurrected to give them new life (he has beaten death).    It is not merely a prayer or words but a true surrender of the heart.   O Praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead! 

My body just ain’t what it used to be…

Whoa.  I am almost 33 (just a month and a half away), and my body is telling a new story.  Two nights ago, I stayed up reading a book until 2 in the morning and awoke early (a few hours later).  Factor in the time change and talking with and leading people all day long after that, and you get a big pile of brain and body mush.    All of this to say…my body aches and the recovery is going to be longer than a few cups of coffee.   I can look to the hairs on the top of my head, the forming wrinkles that frame my smile and the achiness in my joints to remind me this world does not revolve around me.  I guess we all think we will be young and feel the same way forever, and the consequence of sin gives us a reminder that we are but dust in this world.  Here today and gone tomorrow…I need some more coffee to help this day count!    I am reminded that apart from Jesus, I can do nothing…apparently this even includes forming a sentence:).  I stop in my rambling, tired state and remember the beauty and gift of life.   I am thankful today for a bed to sleep in to recover, a computer to communicate on, good coffee to enjoy, people to relate with deeply, a car to drive, His word to enjoy and learn from, two legs (however achy) that will get me where I need to go to serve and love him, a husband that can laugh with me, people on the other side of a phone I can share my heart with, a church that is following after Jesus, a family who cares, the girls in Lonsdale I got to laugh and share with yesterday, the sunshine, hardships which make me want to quit but instead stretch and grow me in the sufficiency and love of Christ… I need to be reminded daily to be thankful.  I pray that each time I feel tired today or achy that my mind move to thankfulness instead of weariness.  May I make the day count in His Kingdom and for His glory. 

Discontent anyone?

I am plugging along in “Respectable Sins” by Jerry Bridges, and I have reached the chapter on discontentment.  Whoa.  I also have read chapters on anxiety and frustration…yeah, I have had opportunity and experience in practicing all three of these acceptable sins.  I could say that I am an expert at them, and that makes me sick. The further people move into adulthood, the more they fall into discontentment (I mean, just watch Oprah for the lovely examples).  The world tosses you this grand picture of the hope of life–relationships, 2.5 kids, SUVs, houses in the suburbs, exotic vacations, fashion, meaningful jobs with grand salaries.  Then, you actually live life and find that these things only satiate your palate for a brief instance before you realize…this is all there is?  or, why can’t I have what they have?  insert… loving husband, kids, fufilling job, nicer house, being free from pain, etc. because I know that will fufill me for sure. It is interesting for me to see people as they prepare for a wedding and then as they are actually living married life.  The more romantic illusions were in place beforehand, the harder the transition to the hard work of marriage.  Last night, I told my small group girls that I hated that more people were not honest about marriage to people.  I think people experience greater discontentment because the truth was not shared with them as to what the committment entails.  When you are prepared in truth, you live more in truth and trust that God is working this for a greater good than your circumstantial happiness–He is working for your sanctification (making you more like Christ). Last night at Crossroad, Greg said that “good doctrine allows good living” and “what you feel is a result of what you think.”   (The sermon was on Romans 12:1-2–worshipping God with your life…renewing your mind in Him.)  This thought goes hand in hand with what Jerry Bridges proposes in the chapter I read about discontentment as a sin.  He said that:

 ’Our ability to respond to [circumstances] in a God-honoring and God-pleasing manner depends on our ability and willingness to bring these truths [that God is sovereign, wise and good in all the circumstances of our lives] to bear on them.’

‘We must do this by faith;  that is we must believe that the Bible’s teaching about these attributes really is true and that God has brought or allowed these difficult circumstances into our lives for His glory and our ultimate good [sanctification].’ 

Ungodly discontentment comes when we do not factor His presence or purpose in every aspect of our lives.  That makes us no different from the world.  Psalm 139 speaks of how God knows us and formed us and purposed our lives.  In Psalm 139:16, David says

 ’All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.’

Bridges proposes that when we begin to be nourished from the truths of God’s plans and purposes for us in his word, then we are more apt to accept things from the hand of God and live to glorify Him through whatever he brings.  I know this could sound trite when you think on your struggles, but that is only when framed in a worldview that bases the goodness of our lives on our comfort instead of our becoming more like Christ.  And becoming more like Christ is more good and fulfilling than ANYTHING this world has to offer.  I am most satisfied and filled in life when I am following Him fully and trusting Him to glorify himself through me. Bridges spoke of moving from the attitude of a victim of circumstances to the attitude of a steward of circumstance.  Thinking along the lines…”how can I use_____________  to serve and glorify you?”  He does not deal with merely trivial issues in the chapter…he mentions several sources of discontentment in the lives of Christians.

 an unfufilling/low paying job

singleness well into midlife and beyond

inability to bear children

an unhappy marriage

physical disabilities

continual poor health 

If all the days are ordained for us, none of this is outside of his hand.  We can choose to brood and turn bitter in our hearts, or we can fight to bathe ourselves in His Truth.  This is NOT EASY, but I have seen it evidenced in my life that when I turn to the truth of His word and believe it, good living comes out.  When I choose to stay in bitterness and despair and measure things on the world’s scale, I choose sin that leads to further discontentment (sin).   Jesus prayed this for us:

 ”Sanctify them in the truth;  your word is truth.”  John 17:17

Some of the greatest times my soul was weary with discontentment in marriage and physical pain and emotional pain, I have been comforted by His truth and presence.  I experienced deep joy in Him being strengthened to walk back into the trying circumstance.  Bridges and I agree that we are not minimizing pain or hardship, but we know the benefits and righteousness (instead of sin) that comes from bathing in God’s truth to live.   For God’s reasons (and I do not assume to understand or know them all), He has chosen to put us in the places that we are whether they be seasons or lifetimes, and they are to be for His glory and our good.  (Romans 8:28-29) So, the question to myself is:  Am I stewarding those to his glory and renown or am I playing the victim in my sin?  Today, I pray that I trust and be filled with his word that they might be for his renown and glory.  I encourage you to do the same. 

Weekend in review…people, people everywhere!

 I have to admit I have become quite a hermit on the weekends beginning with my husband’s influence and ending in my newfound habit of needing alone time.  However, this weekend was filled with people. I started on Friday spending time with my mom and going to see my Uncle Tip in the hospital.  He is really sick and is actually having surgery on his heart this morning (so, pray if you will).  Greg and I then went with my mom to lunch and aided her in computer shopping.  We briefly came home to then go back out again to dinner at P.F. Changs with our friends, Zach and Natalie.  They are getting married in a month–Greg is officiating and I am in the wedding.  It was good to spend time with them–they both long to glorify God so much in their wedding and marriage.   We then proceeded to East Knoxville to go to a boxing tournament to watch our friend, Forrest.  This was a new experience for me.  I do not ever relish the thought of seeing people get bloody.  I won’t lie; I got into it cheering him on!  (He won for his division!)  I did feel like a mamaw around a sea of fraternity and sorority girls–so easily I forget the bubble of college life.   Saturday Greg and I went to breakfast at Mimi’s–a nice treat!  Then, I went grocery shopping, cleaned and took off to Athens for a baby shower I helped host for my friend, Cindy.  It was great to fellowship with good friends and serve my friend.  I also got to celebrate with my friend, Amber, who helped host.  She just bought her first house.  It is really cute, and she is hard at work to get things painted.  Cindy and Amber have been my dear friends since high school, and it is wonderful to celebrate big happenings in their lives!  There were good interactions with old dear friends in that time.  I also got to catch up with my friend, Kelly, on the phone.  By the time I drove back, I was exhausted and felt like I could not form another sentence.   Sunday, I helped to lead worship and Greg spoke at church.  My friends from Athens, Ric Wilson and Ben and Joy Finch, came up to visit our church.  It was great to see them.  While sitting and working on Bible Study material for Monday night, I also caught up with many people as they walked by and shared what was going on in their lives.  Many times, I run out of words after Sunday mornings.  There are so many people to check in with, and that is the main hub time to see people.  I always hate that I feel like there are many superficial conversations because there are so many people with so little time.   We finally got to spend some time with our friends, Jacob and Beth Winn on Sunday night.  They have had such a hard season with Jacob’s back pain, and we have not  gotten to connect in quite awhile.  So, off we go into another week! 

Beautiful reminders…snow falling

Last week, I was privileged to have moments by the window with coffee while it was snowing.  It was quiet…the kind of peaceful quiet that only comes when watching snow blanketing the ground.  In that moment, I was reminded that I am one of those snowflakes–here and gone in an instant with no clear mark on the world.  The Bible says we are as dust, as grass before God…we spring up and are gone.  Oh, how I need that reminder when I am weary and feel the sadness of relationships and the exhaustion of ministry.  I think I am so important…that life hangs in the balance because of me, and then God uses a beautiful snowflake to remind me of the lesson that he is Everything and I am not.  There is great comfort in that.  He is the reason…he upholds me, gives me strength, wins the battle.  I cling and follow and he gives me the privilege  of knowing him and becoming more like him.  I am also reminded that this too will pass, and in a moment’s time, I will be with him in eternity.  Oh, how I long for that. In this brief span of time, he invites me to depend on him loving him and loving others.  He invites me to do it in his holy and wise ways–not mine.  He molds me to trust and know his ways are far better than mine.  I will be in that process until I melt like that snowflake.    I will also need to be reminded of the lesson of the snowflake hour by hour.  His word and Spirit are my guide as I am easily deceived in thinking that I have blown it or that I have to fix everything.  He lovingly reminds me that there is forgiveness for my sins and that I do not have to earn my way back into his presence.  He calls me to repentance and trust and obedience.  May I remember that today.