God’s faithfulness

       This has been a hard season for our family.  We know in our minds that God is faithful, but sometimes we get weary in the day in day out heart life.  When pain is present for Greg everyday, we can begin to frame what our life will be like with our present reality instead of our future hope.  

       After posting last week about going forward in the discipleship ministry, God has encouraged me in very specific ways.  He has worked financially, given opportunities for conversation and for writing.  I am reminded that his faithfulness stretches to EVERY area of our lives.  We are in His hands–physically, emotionally, financially, mentally.  Greg and I thank Him and praise Him that He holds us.  We choose to believe and cling to Him even in the midst of pain and seeming uncertainty about the future.  We remember His faithfulness in the past and to His people.

      On Saturday, I experienced refreshing time with God and His word.  In Psalm 139, I was reminded that all the days ordained for me were written in His book before time began.  Nothing is out of His hands.  Psalm 139:9 remarks that if i dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there His hand shall lead me and His right hand shall hold me.  If you were to ask me what the scariest thing I could think of would be, it would be being in the middle of the ocean in the dark of night by myself.  Life right now feels a bit unknown and like a freefall.  Everything we had assumed would be in our future is uncertain now.  (Which is really true for all of us at any point, but we do not accept that we do not have this control of our lives.)  There has been a knawing anxiety in the corners of my mind.  Being in Psalm 139, I was reminded that we are in His hand–He is guiding us, caring for us, and making us more like Him through it all.  

      It is funny how we can tend to look to other’s lives and think, “why do we not have or experience what they have?”  Whether it is good health or a baby or financial wealth or ‘happiness’ or a husband or status, etc.  The days ordained for me and Greg look different than the ones for our friends or others.  The days are for the specific purpose of making us more like Him–our sanctification.  Through those days, we will know and are knowing Him more deeply.  To trust Him, I must rest in that and not look to the right or to the left.  

       It is so easy to look at someone else’s life and assume things about them and wish our lives looked the same.  What we forget is that life is hard and we all have our struggles.  Sunday morning, I walked in the bathroom at church, and witnessed the sight of a very young mother changing a  poopy diaper of a screaming, yet cute, little boy.   I was thinking of what I was praying about and studying about the day before.  This girl was the mother of a beautiful boy (what some people desire to have most in this world) and all I could think of was this was ordained for her sanctification (and she probably wanted to run out and escape that moment) while for another’s sanctification it is ordained to struggle with infertility. Both are hard, in both, we are called to know Him and trust Him.  This example stretches to all areas of life and circumstance.

      Monday, I spoke with my friend who is a new mom.  I shared with her what I had been learning and praying about, and it resonated with her.  She has a beautiful baby who is growing and doing well.  She is experiencing the reality of life with a new baby.  The fun and gloss of showers and setting up the nursery is over, and theory has become reality.  She, in the midst of monotony and isolation and learning to die to herself to give to another, is learning to trust and is being transformed to be more like Christ.  It is a painful yet beautiful process to be molded.  Greg and I are being molded into His likeness in a different way.  And, in friendship, we bear together and pray for one another and praise God.  

    All of this to say, I choose today to cling to His heart and His purposes.  I pray for strength, and I pray for a heart to encourage and love my husband and trust the Father in the midst of hard days.  I thank Him for His presence in our lives, and I thank Him for giving us tangible encouragements this week of His provision.

 

 

Examination

        On Tuesday, I met with my friend, Liz, and during the course of our conversation, the theme became examining our hearts before God.  No matter what frustrations, circumstances, emotions, even obedience that comes in life, we constantly have to examine ourselves in His presence and His word.

        I am so bent in my flesh to cover over and build a wall to my heart…to try to fix situations instead of trusting God.  I am also lazy.  I know from experience and from His word that I desperately need him every moment of everyday, but I think, I do not want to deal with that right now…maybe later.  I expect that eating a healthy meal on Tuesday will carry through to Wednesday, and it will not…I will be hungry and in need.  It is through disciplined time with him day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year that fruit is produced in us by Him.  I am so glad that the Bible uses analogies of farmers and athletic training…things that take hard work and patience to yield growth.  I know these truths in my mind, but why does my heart so want to run to ease?  

       So, here is another day that I am in desperate need, and I will choose to set aside time to be with Him.  And, once I am there, I will see the joy grow in my heart.  I will see His hand shepherd and shape me.  I will see that He is gentle and faithful, and I will see where I am not.  My mind and heart will be transformed to think beyond my self-protection.  And I will think to myself, why do I ever want to avoid this time to read the paper or look on the computer or rush off to do chores?  And, I will pray that He draw me here again.

     John 15:5  ”I am the vine, you are the branches.  Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

Prayer for the future

        This year started off with a blank slate for me.  I quit my part-time school counseling job, and I knew I was not supposed to pursue another school counseling job this school year.  

        What has morphed out of this year is only a work of God.  If you told me this time last year what I would be doing now, I would have probably looked perplexed.  It is amazing how, in His timing, God brings about things.  It is more amazing when He brings things that are not in your scope of vision but perfectly fit your heart.  That is what he has done with the discipleship of young women with me this year.  

        People who know me, know that I have a heart to help others.  Throughout the years, that heart has stumbled through naivity,  broken hearts, joy, frustration and sometimes I have learned about stalking (but that is another story).  That heart is what lead me to be a school counselor.  I have also been passionate about leading girls/young people.  For three summers in college, I served under my youth minister, Tommy Campbell, as an intern with teenagers.  After I graduated from college, I spent time in various cities trying to figure out what in the world I wanted to do with my life.  In that time, I typically had low-level office jobs.            The constant to my life became starting and leading girl’s discipleship groups.  I really was clueless, but I knew I wanted to help them share their hearts and encourage them to grow in God’s word.  I had a group of  high school girls for a semester in Hendersonville, Tennessee.  I, then, worked at Centrifuge in New Mexico as a Bible study leader that summer for 10th through 12th graders.  The next group I led was in Plano, Texas for a semester or so.  Then, when I moved back to Knoxville for grad school, I led a high school girl’sgroup for a couple of years for Tommy.  When Greg took the job as College Pastor at Fellowship in 2003, I began to lead a college group of girls that summer.  That was my first experience with college students, and I really loved it.  I laugh to myself now at the change of that group in an 8 week period.  Some weeks there would be 25 people in the “small group.”  I cringe at the cluelessness to which I lead.  It was then, I began to get practice at speaking the truth in a group where the truth may not be received too well.  There are a few girls that I met that summer that perservered with the group.  Each year we added and lost several people.  

      Now, we have been meeting for five years, and the group is coming to an end.  I feel as if I really grew up with this group–learning how to lead, learning how to rebuke in love, learning how to let go, learning how to bear with one another, learning how to teach the Bible, learning to ask questions and be vulnerable myself to encourage growth of the heart, learning how to encourage them to lead others, learning and stumbling through conflict.  With each of these girls, I have had a personal relationship to see their heart, their struggles, their tendencies toward sin and toward trust in the LORD.  I have learned that no one is as she presents herself  initially to be…it takes time to see the real woman beneath the layers.  This group is so dear to my heart (as are those who have been a part and are not anymore).  In this process of ending the group, I am learning that ending well is as important as beginning well.  Like life, we cannot hold on to things forever.  To lead is learning to know when the time is to let go and encourage growth in a new way. 

        Greg and I have said goodbye to many people in the last five years working with young adults.  It is sad for us to lose day to day contact, but it is also exciting for them to grow up and spread their wings.  A sense of urgency is built into working with college students/young adults because you know you may just have a limited time.  

       That sense of urgency really took hold in my heart this past summer when, in the course of events and relationships, I really began to search what it means to disciple someone new to a walk with Christ.  I was intimidated and excited all at the same time.  I began looking into the gospels…counting the cost.    I remember a week early in the fall, when I was doing housework, with the question droning on in my heart “what am I really doing with my life?”  I knew I needed to be still…and not try to create a plan for myself (way easier said than done!).  

      Then, in the course of the fall, girls began approaching me about meeting with them one on one for me to disciple them.  It was a short matter of time, that I was meeting with girls all along the journey.  In the process, I began to look to see what the foundational things were that they needed to learn in the short amount of time given.  I, then, began crafting an extremely rough guide to try to point them in their relationship with Christ to God’s word and away from false teaching (which is so rampant that “mature” Christians often cannot decifer what is true).  God, in this short amount of time, has taught this people pleaser so much about speaking the truth and pointing toward Him and counting the cost of not being well-received.  

       Ironically, a job opportunity came up, in this time, that a few years ago would have been my dream job–literally.  I prayed through, and I knew that I was not supposed to pursue it.  It was weird to weigh financial options and let it go.  In the world (and the church’s eyes) it is not “okay” to be a woman without children or without a hefty bank account to not have a paying job, but I knew that was the course for now to follow.  So, I began to ramp up working on the curriculum and framing time with these girls.  It was during this time, that a person close to us mentioned starting a non-profit for discipling women and encouraging other women to do the same.  OUTSIDE OF EVERY BOX FOR JENNIFER PINKNER! (and, in some ways I am not an out of the box girl because in my flesh I am a people pleaser)  But, it did move my heart to think that I could continue doing this…it brought a smile to my face and a spring to my step.  

     So, these last few months I have met with 5 young women along with leading the 9 girls in my Bible study.  I have had conversations with people about discipleship.  I have asked people to pray.  Greg and I have been praying.  We have sought wisdom and discernment from those ahead of us on the journey with Christ.  We were in a process of prayer, under wise counsel, open to see if we could continue on financially the way we were.  It seemed that that was the route that I thought we would take…making decisions to trim several things in our budget.  Greg has been extremely encouraging through this process–I am blessed to have him as my husband to call out places in me and encourage me toward growth.  Then, we have hit a point with his health problems with Rheumatoid Arthritis…and had some hits financially unrelated.  We are confident in the Lord’s provision and leading.  I was bracing myself to start applying for school counseling jobs thinking…maybe this dream in my heart that has bloomed is for the future.  However, in my heart, I was very disappointed over the prospect.  

      Last week, Greg said, I think we are painted into a corner…I think we pray and move forward.  I was feeling the same way. It is either, go forward in faith seeking God to see if this ministry will bloom or scrap it and go back to school counseling.  So, here we go on the journey.  If you think about it, please pray for God’s leading and provision for this ministry of discipleship for women.  I am excited, and I trust God that He is molding us in this process.  I learn everyday that life is not just about end-results, it is about knowing Him and seeing His faithfulness and glory throughout the shaping process.  We are being broken and shaped in so many different ways right now in this season.  I certainly trust Him if he breaks this dream…for if it becomes about me instead of Him, I do not want it.  

My Shepherd

         Yesterday, I was reminded of Jesus as Shepherd through my friend and mentor, Melba.  We were talking through suffering and broken dreams and trust in Him.  I expressed how I can look back and see how God had drawn me to Himself and prepared me for this time in my past heartaches.  I had seen how He carried me in the past and drawn me into intimacy through prayer and clinging to the truth of His word.  If not for the difficulties of the past 3 years, I would not be prepared for the battle at hand now.  

        She spoke of her favorite picture of Jesus as Shepherd.  There is a beautiful and true imagery to Christ as Shepherd to us.  We all are more familiar with the 23rd Psalm and the beauty of His care for us, His provision, His love, His steadfastness.  I also learned that shepherds would sometimes break a leg or legs of the sheep to teach them if they were going astray.  The shepherd would then carry them close for the time of healing teaching intimacy and dependence upon the shepherd so they would follow.  Most of the time, the sheep would not want to leave the shepherd after that.  My heart so swelled when thinking of that because I have experienced that in Christ.  I have been broken and experienced Him carrying me and calling me to greater intimacy.  There was joy in that time.  And, as I think on that picture now, I am comforted.  He points out sin in me not for me to atone but that He has atoned.  He made the atonement and He binds up my wounds caring for me, growing me.  He is my safety, my refuge.  What wondrous love is this, o my soul.  There is no greater picture to me right now of His all sufficiency than Shepherd.  It is a beautiful way to show His character and His heart.  

          Dave Hunt wrote a song called “Search Me” that speaks to this…

Search Me, O God and know my heart.

Test me, O God and know my thoughts

See if there be any wicked way in me

Lead me the Way everlasting.

Hold me close to your heart

Never drift, Never part

Let me know you are near

In your love there’s no fear

Hold Me near, Hold me close to your heart.

      We sang this song last night at Crossroad.  It is amazing how God uses things together.  We had just talked about this scripture from Psalm 139 at Bible study about examining our hearts for sin with God, and then, I had talked about shepherd earlier in the day.  It was the marriage of these two thoughts in the song…test me, show me my sin and hold me close to bind me up.  He is amazing, friends.  He calls us to intimacy with Him…brokenness…and he carries us and gives us the strength to make us whole.  May I worship Him today in thankfulness, in awe, in trust and intimacy.

 

 

Blog Silence

           I have been silent on my blog for over a week.  I attribute it to busyness but also to a picture of my heart.  We have had a lot going on in life schedule-wise, but we have had a lot going on heart-wise, as well.  I am running on fumes, and usually the things I write come out of my experiences and my heart learning.  

           After finding out more details about Greg’s Rheumatoid Arthritis at the doctor last Wednesday, I was pretty low.  However, I moved into a very busy few days of celebrating for and with others.  So, in shock, my heart was a bit constipated…if I can even believe I said that.  I had no room to process–I simply tried my hardest to be present with others when I could not fully be present with myself and my own stuff.

         I was in my friends’ wedding over the weekend–Natalie and Zach.  It was a sweet time to celebrate with them and laugh.  Natalie has been in the Bible study I lead off and on for five years.  It was an honor to stand with her and reflect to see how God has grown her and been so faithful to her.  Zach has also been very dear to both Greg and me as we have seen him grow in his faith.  Greg was actually the matchmaker, and he says he is stopping his record at 100% success.  So, no eharmonyesque future for him!  I think one of my favorite times in my  life was our rehearsal dinner where all the closest people to us came together at once and shared.  I always love to go to other’s rehearsal dinners to hear the hearts of those there as they share about the couple.  So, that was one of the highlights of the weekend for me.  Also, it was really neat to get to see behind the scenes with their families–the fun,  the laughter and the dynamics.  I came home emotionally and physically exhausted from the whole deal.  

       The next day, my family got together and celebrated my Great Uncle Charley’s 95th birthday.  This is not a barely making it 95–it is a swim daily, drive long distances, live alone, cook your own meals, dance on the weekends, take Spanish classes 95.  My Great Aunt Gladys died in 1990, so he has been making it alone for a long time.  He is funny.  He told a story how he was called “two wheel Charley” from racing Model T fords…crazy.  It was good to see most of the family…we missed my niece and nephew, Sarah and Stephen, and my brother-in-law, John.  

        I then drove to my mom’s house in Athens, and I stayed there by myself to awaken early to be at the hospital with my dear friend, Cindy.  She was induced at midnight to bring her first child into the world.  We have known each other all our lives, but we really connected in close friendship between our freshman and sophomore years of high school when we both started walking consistently with Christ.  

       My friend, Amber, and I spent the morning with Cindy and Chris and her parents talking in the room with her.  She and Chris chose to not know the sex of the baby until herm or shem arrived, so that was really exciting.  They had a definite girl named picked out, but they were wavering on the boy name.  So, the whole morning, we thought of ways kids would make fun of the names they were picking from.  Ended up, that it was a girl…no stress for the name!  I was honored to be there with her and to hold precious Audrey Elizabeth Parker when she was less than an hour old.  Mom was a champ and so was dad!  I think I consumed more caffeine in that day than the whole week before!  

      AFter goodbye kisses and hugs, I headed back to Knoxville to get home for Crossroad.  Greg told the students about having RA at the end, and I wanted to be there for him.  I was exhausted, though.  

     Tuesday and Wednesday, I got back to my regular schedule of meeting with girls.  I had to cancel the week before because of my neck.  It was good to fellowship with them–I missed it.  When Wednesday night came, I cooked dinner and fell onto the couch.  

         All the things from the week were very exciting, but they were very exhausting, as well.  In the back of my mind were all the unprocessed emotions and questions from all the stuff from the doctor the other day about Greg.  I depend on time I have with God to go deep and study his word and pray using my journal, and with the schedule of the last 6 days, I had not gotten to really connect with Him.  I had cried out throughout the time in short bursts, but I had not been in silence and connection deeply with Him.  

        All my emotions remind me of how I was after my dad died.  I was numb and in shock.  I knew the emotions were there, they just would not come.  It was like the words between me and the Father had run dry, but I knew He was there faithfully carrying me.  My heart did not know what to pray, but I knew He was praying on my behalf and others were also.  I have felt that same sense, and I remember His faithfulness in that.  I remember that this intensity will pass.  

       I did get to go outside on the backporch (because inside my house looks like a tornado hit:)) in the sun yesterday and pray and read God’s word.  I asked for a heart to be thankful and think of all the ways He has shown His faithfulness.  While God is stretching us in everyway–physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually–He is still faithful.  He is still our Father.  His promises are true.  I must be disciplined to be thankful and not choose to be overcome with circumstance.  Philippians  4 speaks of this:

Rejoice in the Lord always;  again I say Rejoice…do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

     My prayer also comes out of another passage in Philippians 4:

For I have learned in whatever situation to be content.  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound.  In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

     I am thankful for the plenty that God has so graciously given us, and even in need now, I want to be thankful for the intimacy of depending on Him deeper and deeper.  It is through suffering that I have come to know Him in the deepest ways.  I will not trade that from the past, and I have a feeling I will look back in several years and say I would not trade it for this time.  

        People, in their own way, have begun to say some pretty unbelievable things to us.  Most of the things have to do with healing. ( I think sometimes people do not realize what they communicate when they say things…so, we pray to give them grace as we would hope they would give us.)  We both believe that God can do whatever He wants to do… period.  We pray for healing and quick remission.  However,  when people begin to speak about God as He does not want people to suffer or be sick or “you just need to have faith to be healed” (as if it depends on us and not Him), they are pridefully ignoring much of God’s word.  It is spiritually abusive and false.  I think a lot of times it is about the person’s spiritual pride and not true love and concern for Greg.  We want people to pray for healing.  We also want people to pray for a deepened relationship with God for Greg and me.  We want Him to be glorified.  If you think that He is not glorified through suffering…think on the Cross.  

     This life is not for our comfort…it is for our sanctification. (Romans 8:28-29)  God sometimes loves us in the deepest, truest, richest ways by bringing suffering into our lives.  For, we depend on Him and His all sufficiency and not ourselves and our circumstances.  He is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him (not our circumstances, feelings, etc but in HIM).  Do we pray and long for healing?  Most definitely.  Does it define our relationship with Him if it comes or not?  No.   Do we rejoice when it comes?  You betcha.  Paul prayed for the thorn in his flesh to be removed…it was not.  Peter was sifted, and he says in 1 Peter 4:13…”But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.”  James speaks of rejoicing in suffering and trials, but he also speaks of praying for healing.  We do both.  

      Let us trust God wholly by clinging to the whole counsel of His word.  May we not make an idol in our own image of Him.  May we trust and know Him.  I keep thinking and praying on a verse from Job…Job 13:15 “Though He slay me, I will hope in Him.”  Job was not out of God’s hand…and we are not either.  Our lives are nothing compared to Job’s, but I hurt in the circumstance.  I trust the Lord, and I pray He draw us nearer and nearer and that we know Him more intimately.  I pray that He be glorified and that His kingdom be pushed forward.  He is our Rock, our Fortress, our Deliverer, our Physician, our Healer, our Father.  

The Unexpected

This past week, Greg and I have been grappling with news about his health.  In the past month and a half, he has had a lot of pain, stiffness, and swelling.  I was making “Old Man Pinkner” jokes with him (it is his dream to be called that by the neighborhood kids when he is old–that and “Colonel”).  Then, we got a diagnosis that he has Rheumatoid Arthritis.   Rheumatoid Arthritis is an auto-immune disease where the body attacks the joints and tissues.  It is chronic and progressive.  It is a disease that affects women 3 to 1 over men.  There have been better discoveries of medicine in the last 5 years or so.  Greg is actually going to start a low dose of a chemo-therapy drug tonight.  This is something that we have to get on top of fast, and we have no idea what will happen as far as daily life.  There are sometimes short bouts of remission, and that is what we are praying for.   He has been reading up on it for weeks…I have only begun.  Most of me has just been in shock or a panicked “what can I do to make this better right now?” This is not something that you plan for in life–especially in your 30’s.  My mind knows God’s promises and that He is sovereign, but my heart is a bit unsteady and fearful at the moment.  The unknown shakes the foundation and causes us to go to places that were just “theory” before.   Today, I want to take time to process and pray and be in His word.  We both cling to the promise that God is working this for the good–to make us more like Christ.  We want to shine for His glory, but our hearts still long for circumstantial comfort.   I started thinking last week how I can be grateful for the chronic pain in my hip and back that I have had for 3 years.  At least I will know how it plays with your mind, spirit and emotions so that I can love on Greg (I pray I remember it in times of frustration).  I also think back to my dad and helping my mom care for him with Parkinson’s disease.  I saw emotionally and physically the toll of a progressive disease.  I can be thankful that I processed with that before.  I can also be thankful for watching my mom battle Lymphoma several years ago.  She showed that a positive fighting attitude is so important.  She was an example day in and day out, caring for my dad with Parkinson’s, how to help your partner by encouraging and pushing and loving.  We are grateful that we know Christ and His hope.  We are grateful for the many friends around us praying and encouraging us.  We are also grateful for a wonderful doctor to walk with us.   I think I am most excited about how Greg will come to know God in deeper, richer, more intimate ways.  Would I choose this?  No, but we cling to Christ in it.  We pray that He use it for building the kingdom and bringing the Father glory knowing that the road will, at times, be painful.    We have talked to people who have given us very encouraging stories (and some discouraging stories) about those with RA this past week.  When we went to the doctor yesterday, it was a little more sober than we thought, though.  This will affect us all around, everyday.    My heart is nervous about putting this news out there because it makes it real, and it opens us up for lots of advice.  It is amazing what people say when others have hard news.  They try to tell you what you should do or go to the extremes of worst or best case scenario.  I have dear friends who have lost loved ones, struggled with infertility, or gotten sober diagnoses of cancer/etc., and it seems that people do not think before they speak in situations.  Sometimes the most trite or scary things come out.  Most of the time, I think people want genuine prayers and an “I am sorry–I do not know what to say” instead of a “Jesus just needs another choir member in heaven” or “God will bring you a baby when you trust him” or “My mom died of that in record time” or “I  heard that that is not really that big of a deal.”  Greg has made a good point in the last few years that standing over the casket with someone is not a good time to give them a theology lesson.   I ask that you keep us in your prayers right now and continually.   Pray for his health, but also pray for his heart and my heart.  Pray that we cling to the Father like no other time before.  Pray for increased intimacy with Him–our hope.  Pray that people may come to know Jesus through this.  

Pride: In the Name of Love, Part 2

The last two types of pride hit at the very core of American Westernized Culture.  We are taught to work hard (pride of achievement)–”you can be anything…you have it within yourself to conquer all that needs to be conquered.” We are also taught independence (pride of independent spirit)–”do not let anyone tell you what to do…stand up for yourself…you do not need anyone else.”3)  Pride of Achievement

  This pride of achievement looks to ourselves to work hard and attributes our success to ourselves and not God.  Bridges questions if there is anything we have that we did not receive.  God gave us our intellect, our skills and abilities, talents, health, opportunities.  When we live thinking they are our own, we are in pride.  He speaks about boasting in overtly proud ways and in subtle ways in which we want to be proud but not appear so.  He does remind us from the Proverbs and other places that our diligent effort is required (he does not want us to be slothful), but that He gave us the stuff to succeed.  It is a sin to not acknowledge the gracious blessings of God.  He also talked about an inordinate desire for recognition.  He asked several questions: 

1.  What is your attitude when you do a good job and do not get recognition?

2.  Are you willing to labor in obscurity as unto the Lord? 

Thinking about this takes me back to a conversation I had around the time of graduation from high school.  I was in the Gondolier restaurant in Athens talking with my boyfriend, Ken.  I had filled out a sheet in a Bible study of where I wanted to be in  ten years and  so on.  This conversation haunts me because I felt so assured and righteous in what I said, and, yet, I was dripping with pride.  I remember saying, “I do not know what I want to be doing, but I want people to look up to me and respect me greatly.”  It makes me sick to think that I thought I was so genuine and godly in saying that.  Gross.  Yet, there are times when that same attitude wells up in me now.  Am I willing to labor in obscurity for the Lord?  Do I live as unto Him or men? (Galatians 1:10)  Can I perservere without praise or recognition from man?  I am one of those people who does what the boss says and gladly.  A people pleaser at heart, I struggle when I get no feedback.  That is definitely a place where I have to die to myself and live to Christ.

 

4)  Pride of Independent Spirit

 My Great Aunt Sarah was 4′10″ tall and was one of the sassiest people I have ever known.  I think I would rather meet Shaq in an argument than contend with her wrath!  She never married, and she was very successful in her work.  I do not think she ever said a negative thing about me—if you were in her clan, you were good to go.  She used to talk about carrying your bat with you.  In other words, you do whatever you want to do and let people know what you stand for and to get out of your way!  I threw a few curve balls into family meals when I was in high school and college because I took the path of resistance more than the path of least resistance.  Those pep talks from her encouraged me, but I can also see where I also mounted up in that independent spirit to say “who cares, I am going to do what I am going to do.”   Sometimes that attitude can be used for strength to perservere when going against the crowd for the pursuit of Christ, but it can also be filled with sin.   

The reality is that we need others, and God calls us to a life of dependence on Him instead of independence.  Bridges calls out several ways that this pride rears its head–

1.  a resistance to authority (spiritual authority) 

2.  an unteachable attitude

He uses examples of interns coming into the Navigators organization thinking that they know a lot better than people who have done it for a long time.  I shrunk thinking of attitudes I have had.  

God has set up systems of authority.  He sees the reality of our hearts as to how we submit or buck authority.  The way we treat the goverment or a boss or our parent speaks to the reality of our heart and trust toward God.  EEEEK.  

Another way we show pride is whether we are willing to be taught from His word or go from our own opinion above it.  If we disagree and close our ears to things that make us uncomfortable in His word versus being willing to pray and grapple with it, we have shown pride in our hearts.

The temptation is to think about others when we look at this.  We are so quick to point that finger…that reminds me of_______, or THEY really struggle with ______and need to read this.  Our pride grows in that.  Through reading this chapter, I have seen myriad places in my life where sin blossoms.  I pray that we all look and ask God to search us and examine those places and refine us to His son’s character.  It is scary, but it is so good.  I simply am reminded that He is my Father and is faithful to me despite my pride.  He takes it a step further to graciously grow me and remind me of His love and transforming power.   

Respectable sins: Pride

Ugh…Pride.  What I love and hate about this book is that I am nailed every time in my sin.  I love that Bridges gets to places that are so acceptable and shows us lovingly where we are spurring one another on in sin instead of love and good deeds, but I hate at the same time seeing the endlessness of my sin.  I am reminded that the gospel is true and applied there–I must remember the character and beauty and reality of his grace.  Then, I am reminded that it is not about my “righteousness” before Him or “paying Him back” but His AMAZING GRACE and love that grow me. Bridges speaks of 4 types of pride.  It is funny how the Holy Spirit had already been revealing some of these things to me in my spirit, but I did not have a way to describe or name them. The four types:

 1)  Pride of moral self-righteousness 

2)  Pride of correct  doctrine

3)  Pride of achievement

4)  Pride of independent spirit

This serves as a warning…if you do not want to be convicted, stop reading.  However, I have seen the beauty and goodness of the Lord by being convicted.   In the moment of conviction, I see the pitifulness of my “self-righteous” thoughts and acts and the beauty of his grace.  Then, I am reminded that I am a branch and He is the Vine–living life truly is remaining in Him for apart from Him I can do nothing (John 15). This will be a quick overview of types of pride, and, as always, I encourage you to read the book. 1) Moral Self-Righteousness

 This kind of pride expresses itself in a feeling of moral superiority in respect to others.  Believers and non-believers alike experience this.  We see ourselves fall into this when we begin to talk about society and what it is becoming.  Any area where we feel better than someone else shows this whether it be about the environment or adultery, homosexuality, abortion or our finances.  In other words, we are all nailed in some way. 

He does encourage ways to guard against it–which is another reason I love this book.  He doesn’t condemn in his pride, but spurs us on toward examining our hearts and growing in dependent holiness.  

One way to guard our hearts is to foster an attitude of humility by remembering that “there but for the grace of God go I.”  There is nothing that we would not be capable of put in the right situation, and we must cling to Christ and His grace to guard our hearts.  For with pride comes a fall.  

This makes me think of marriage.  People do not plan to engage in  adultery when they  are getting married (except for Julia Boulia’s husband to be in “The Wedding Singer”), but adultery plagues marriages everywhere.  Before we got married, Greg and I saw a lot of marriages struggling.  It was sobering to me.  I was “down right” freaked out, and I knew that if it could happen to them it could to us, as well.  We made a decision together to have couple friends with good boundaries and to not have opposite sex friends.  Both of us had good opposite sex friends before marrying, but we had seen the dangers played out in lives around us.  We were trying to save ourselves from the consequences in the future of something that seemed like a right to be able to do now because “there but for the grace of God go I.”  Some have not understood our decision, but it has already served as a safeguard to our marriage in the last few years.  It is not something that I look on and say that we have down pat…I look at it with fear and a guard on my heart that I could just as easily be there  and I must cling to Christ.

 2)  Pride of Correct Doctrine

  This is the assumption that whatever your doctrinal beliefs are, they are correct and anyone who holds another belief is theologically inferior.  He spoke of Arminian, Calvinist, to views of end times, to ecletic theology to thinking that theology is not important and looking down upon those who do.  Again, he gets us all in this.

This is where God had already been tugging at my heart and showing me uncomfortable places in myself.  I am very passionate about God’s word and studying it well and in the whole and seeing what it was written for and not just our feeling about a particular verse or set of verses.  I have been reminded by God lately that anything I know about Him or His word is because of His grace toward me.  

This point made me a bit uncomfortable, as well, because of the post-modern hermuenutic of life and the Bible.  Bridges used a great example of Paul talking to the Corinthians (1 Cor about eating food sacrificed to idols.  They asserted that they had liberty to eat food sacrificed to idols.  Paul rebuked them, not because of wrong doctrine but because they had pride regarding the doctrine.  

1 Corinthians 8:1  ”Now concerning food offered to idols:  we know that ‘all of us possess knowledge.’  This ‘knowledge’ puffs up, but love builds up.”

Those who have read anything of Paul know that he is very concerned about right thinking about Christ and the gospel and practice in the church, etc.  In fact, all of his letters are explicit about correcting error.  However, he is just as concerned about the attitude in which that is communicated and thought of in the heart.  

Lately, I have found myself getting angry and frustrated more and more that people would see the truth and the fullness of God’s word forgetting it was His grace that taught me in the first place.  His grace opens my heart and eyes to see truth, and He works that way in others, too.  There is a way to move forward in truth in a genuine spirit of humility.  

I read blogs–sometimes way too many.  A lot of blogs I read are about doctrinal differences.  I have stopped reading some because of the attitude in which they are written.  I found that some of them began to spread an attitude in me that I did not like.  I did not disagree, per say, with the opinion, but I did disagree with the manner with which it is shared.  My prayer is that daily I would lay my heart before the Father and share the Truth in love in genuine humility.   There are many I disagree with vehemently about some issues, but I must remember that some of those are my brothers and sisters in Christ.  

I have to keep a close check on my spirit.  In a day like today, where anyone who proposes that their beliefs are truth, one is seen as arrogant.  We will be hated, Jesus said.  So, it is an internal check to see where our hearts are as far as humility verses pride.  May He increase and I decrease. 

 

Pain in the neck…

I literally woke up turning over in the middle of the night with  a pain in the neck.  This has been an internally stressful week.  A lot has gone on in our lives to process.  And, as always, my body has spoken to tell me about it.  There is something about pain in your neck–there is always a reminder whether turning to the right or left or staring straight ahead.  God has reminded me to process with Him first not looking to the right or to the left but to his truth.   The sermon Sunday was a reminder of that.  We are beginning to study 1 Timothy, and Greg gave an introductory sermon which traced Moses handing the mantel of leadership to Joshua and Paul to Timothy.  Not unlike God, he worked consistently in these situations and relationships with the same message…Remember who God is hearing and fearing him and being careful to do all the words of his law (Deut. 31), meditating on the law day and night so that you may be careful to do all that is in it (do not turn from it to the right or to the left–Joshua 1), and in Timothy charging certain persons not to teach any different doctrine…not swerving from the faith (1 Tim 1, 6).   Sometimes I need tangible reminders that even though everything feels like shifting sands here, sometimes very unsafe, my life is in clinging to Him and the truth he has given us about himself in his word.  That tangible reminder today comes through the pain in my neck.  May I be reminded to pray and meditate and build on the only foundation–Christ the Rock instead of the shifting sands of feeling and circumstance.  Sometimes circumstance is so LOUD that I forget my foundation…I look to the right and left and swerve.  May my mind and heart be centered in the bedrock of his Truth.