Happy Birthday, Daddy.

Today would have marked my Dad’s 75th birthday.  He died of Parkinson’s disease 3 years ago in December.  This is a picture of our family’s last Christmas all together in 2003.  I am grateful for him and for the gift from God he was to me in so many ways.  

I am more grateful for my Eternal Daddy every day as I do not have my earthly Daddy anymore.  Today I remember his laugh, silly jokes, the tender way he addressed me as “sweet,” his love for music, his love for video games, his trust in God, his love for my mom and my sisters and me, the way he touched many lives of people in his life.  

Happy Birthday, Herbert Hale Cox, Jr.

A home away from home…

I am spending the weekend in Nashville with my mom while she participates in the recording with the Tennessee Women’s Chorale.  Basically, I get to catch up with some friends while she is in rehearsal and sessions.  

I laughed as we pulled in the parking lot of our hotel last night because a Panera was across the street.  Panera is my home away from home.  I meet young women there to disciple them several mornings a week.  I meet Melba, who mentors me, at Panera a few times a month.  Maybe it is the small town part of me, or maybe it’s the need to be known in all of us, but I love the fact that people there know me and know my order before I even open my mouth.   I love looking around the room at 7 am and seeing the same people there–in Bible study, reading their paper, meeting with a mentor.  Because my job isolates me from a regular office place everyday, it is good to have some sort of consistency in interacting with people outside of the ones I minister to.  

So, as I awoke much earlier than my mother, I dressed in the dark and hiked across the street to find a nook and feel at home with my whole grain bagel, coffee, Bible and computer.  At home even though  I did not know a soul.

On a side note…last night, my mom and I got to spend time with my “Uncle Henry.”  He is living in a retirement home and is in his mid to late 80s.  He and his wife, now deceased, worked with my parents early on in their time of ministry, and they became very close with our family.  They never had children, but they loved our family as their own (thus the Uncle Henry and Aunt Doris monikers).  Every time I spend time with someone who is getting frail with age and sickness, I think of my dad and remember how hard it was the last few years of his life.  I also thought of him as he and Uncle Henry were good friends and possessed the same kind of gentleness and care for people.  It was good to visit, hug and love on him especially the weekend of my dad’s birthday.  He said something last night for which we all need to be reminded.  He said that he’s never seen it work for people who keep trying to accumulate wealth and material possessions.  Trying to find meaning in that and spending time on that as the goal is empty.  As I thought on that, I pondered how most of us find ourselves at the end of life alone and in need  (no matter how “much” we’ve accumulated).  I tend to think a lot, as you know.  Anytime I am in an assisted living or retirement home, etc., I think of when that will be me.  I hope that I invest well in others loving, caring and sharing and will not get caught in the trappings of this life.  I pray that I will live for the hope and purpose I have in Jesus Christ and nothing else.  I also pray that I not rush forward to think about tomorrow but today.

Andrew

Please pray for my oldest nephew, Andrew.  Yesterday he turned 21, and today he embarks on Semester at Sea.  He will be sailing around the world on a cruise ship with hundreds of other college students.  I am proud of him.  There is no way to encapsulate into words what God will do in him and through him on this trip of a lifetime.  He is the creator and sustainer of all things and people Andrew will see and experience…from all the oceans to sahara to mountains to slums.  Pray for my sis, brother-in-law and niece, as well…God is sufficient in all our needs.  You can keep up with him on his blog.

A memorization tip…

     Greg and I are memorizing verses together in 2009.  I am very excited about this, but he pulled out the important but intimidating Romans 3:21-26 for our first verses (for those of you who listen to Greg ever, you will not be surprised by this choice!).  It is wordy and challenging and in my mind I know a mix match of the NIV and ESV.   We are memorizing the ESV.

    I am excited I got the whole thing perfected while cooking vegetable beef soup yesterday.  As I cut vegetables, I repeated the phrases and meditated and memorized.  I am going to start redeeming the time that seems mundane (cooking, cleaning, etc) by thinking on scripture.  What a blessing that time was.  Instead of worrying about something pointless, my mind was turned toward the gospel!  I usually write scripture over and over to memorize it, but I held onto this passage while doing something else.

   So, try it, and let me know what happens!

Am I going to throw up, nope, I just have to speak in front of people.

      Last night, I had the opportunity to stand before over 300 young women and talk with them about walking with God in the midst of the curse (of sin in Genesis 3).  My heart is still beating hard as I think back on it…

      At Crossroad, our city-wide college/young adult service at Fellowship Church in Knoxville, Greg is doing a series on the curse for girls only and for guys only.  He asked me in the middle of this week to share what it is to walk faithfully in the midst of the hardness of life (marriage, etc).  At first, I panicked thinking about the deep well of emotion that I have built up by walking through some of the hardships in my life.  I have been known to boo-hoo in front of crowds while sharing, so the fear of that drove me to cautiously say…” maybe.”  However, by the end of the week, I had thought about it and stepped out to do it.  

      The last 3 1/2 years of life have definitely been the hardest but the most fruitful…and a lot of those hardships have hit from the curse of sin–struggles in marriage (which is the consequence of sin), the death of my father (illness and death in itself is the consequence of sin), job direction (toil and unfufillment–consequence of sin), and the theme of infertility (pain in childbearing, having, rearing, etc is the consequence of sin).  I had so much I could have said, and, of course, I am probably my worst critic (unless I get a scalding email today from an equally harsh critic:)).  

     Though the curse is quite evident in everyday life, the good news is the gospel is more powerful and is the ultimate reality.  The gospel reminds me that I am God’s by the blood of Christ…I am forgiven and in relationship with the creator, sustainer, redeemer, and gardener of my soul (and this world).  God is at work in my heart and my husband’s heart to make us more like Him.  The kicker with the curse is that we women want to be in charge and not wait on God or our husbands.  Greg said something last night that is so true:  ”Women are much more spiritually sensitive.”  Time and time again, I talk to my girlfriends or women that I meet with, and they say “I wish my husband would step up and lead–he is so passive.”  We all begin to make assumptions about the hearts of men around us, and then we begin to trust ourselves instead of God.  We think, “well, since nobody else is standing up to lead, I guess I will.  I mean, am I the only one astute enough to get it done?”  This feeds into the curse–we want to devour or rule over our husbands and ignore God’s ways.  The truth of the matter is that we want what we want and do not trust God.  The truth of the matter is that we forget the very heart and grace of God toward us through the life, death and resurrection of Christ.

      A few practices I have learned in trusting God in the midst of living under the curse:

1)  His word changes my heart.  Being in His word–memorizing, reading, studying, meditating, turns my heart away from worshipping myself and my comfort to look into His life changing grace.  There are days when I want to tell Greg off or burrow in self-pity at whatever frustration or situation that I am in, and then, truth hits me in the heart and I am changed.  We cannot survive without His life-changing truth–and we certainly cannot grow without it!

2)  Prayer is essential.  I have learned that I do not change situations or hearts.  I used to think a poignant speech or manipulative actions would bring about change in someone, but that is not true.  The only changer of hearts is the Holy Spirit.  Also, it is tempting to pray merely for things for Greg or others that would change their actions or hearts to bring me comfort.  I think what that is termed is manipulation of God.  I’m pretty sure that is despicable.  The Spirit is always teaching me and correcting me to pray for the hearts of others–that they may repent and cling to Jesus, that they may stop striving by running after other things and trust God fully and know Him fully.  The reality is when others are changed in that way, I may not get my “way,” but the ultimate good and the ultimate fulfillment comes.   I also pray that I find everything in Jesus–resting in Him, trusting Him and being transformed by Him (1 Thessalonians 4:3–His will is for us to become more like Him–and He rested, trusted, loved and worshipped God with everything–John 15).   When I deal with people that I disciple or counsel, this is essential–prayer for their hearts and God’s work in them.  Otherwise, I am wasting my time and theirs.

3)  Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing.  There are times in my life that I just cannot keep my mouth shut.  I think I can solve things by telling people what to do.  I think, again, that I can manipulate.  And, I probably like the sound of my own voice:).  I have learned that even though I may be right that my motives may be far from right.  My heart may long to be served and worshipped by that other person (many times Greg) instead of bringing God love and glory.  There are definite times to push in and talk about issues, but more often than not, I need to drop to my knees and relinquish control to the One who is in control.

4)  Act in the Grace of the Gospel.  In remembering daily who I am in Christ, how can I hold things against Greg or others.  His grace toward me is unmerited favor, and His Spirit resides in me with power to walk in righteousness.  When I rest in that fact and see my own sin toward God and his abundant grace, I look at others differently.  Their offense towards me does not seem so monumental.  The fact that Greg ignored my needs or hurt my feelings or the fact that life seems overwhelmingly unfair, seems to fade in the light of the gospel.  In the truth of the gospel and the power of the Spirit, I learn to die to self and love others in grace and forgiveness.  This short paragraph makes it seems so neat and tied with a bow–but there is wrestling in my heart in this.  This is a choice that I have to make at every offense, and it is a choice that I ignore at times.

5)  Surround yourself with friends who sharpen and be a friend who sharpens.  We can all find friends who complain and who do not share truth, but look for the jewel and be the jewel that sharpens others toward the gospel, love and good deeds.

6)  Perservere!  Do not just fill up with these steps once…we need this daily!  Let not the things of this earth ever sway me–I’ll run til I finish the race by the grace of Jesus Christ.

I’m back…

     Well, I am not back in the exact frame of mind I was hoping for.  When I took the “break” for December I imagined coming back invigorated and refreshed to hit the ground running in 2009.  Funny how the best laid plans come up short.  I had slated a break from all things WDC for December, but because of some things with my lawyer, that did not happen.  I did give my brain a rest from study specifically for WDC for a few weeks, and we did have a good week in Texas with Greg’s family.  I tried to relax last week.  This past month has been challenging in a few ways with the consequence being loss of sleep.  For a stretch of days, I saw many more infomercials than I ever cared to see:).   (I am strangely drawn to the Sham-wow, for those of you who have seen that one.)

       As I was praying this morning, I was reminded that in literally EVERY area of my life, I desperately need to rely on and remain in God.  I know God is sovereign over all things…including my last month.  He has taught me and disciplined me with his love in the midst of sadness, frustration, bad moods, joys, traffic jams, consumerism, laughter, laziness, worry, and glory in his birth and death and resurrection.  I have to relearn his glorious gospel of grace everyday.  I also have to relearn that He is gracious on a scale that I cannot comprehend.  Always, I come to Him trying to make it up to him…pay penance or something, and always, I am reminded that he does not work that way because of the blood of Jesus Christ.  So, I start this day as I start this year…weak, needy, frustrated, and desperately seeking my Father.  Though painful at times, this is the best place to be.  For when I feel on top of things, I inevitably forget the very One for which I am made and redeemed to bring glory.  

      On a much lighter note, I have made one New Year’s resolution:  making my bed everyday.  I know that fits in with the developmental scale for a 3rd grader, but I missed that goal a long time ago.  I have done it 5 for 5, and I am proud.