An update

       I sit here on a rainy Saturday afternoon in my pajamas listening to the wonderful music of my dog, Bailey, playing “devil box” in the backyard.  The new wood fence is up, and I can enjoy an afternoon of Bailey playing and not escaping.  I cannot tell you the last time I have had that joy.

      The last few weeks have been particularly exhausting–not bad, but exhausting.  Greg had bursitis in his elbow that had a huge infection and made it necessary to not take his Humira (Rheumatoid Arthritis meds).  This past week has been really hard on him, and in consequence has been hard on me as I help to care for and encourage him.  He is not able to do as much to help physically.  This is just part of life for him, and, in turn, for me.  

      My usual schedule has been off (packed full), so my housekeeping, cooking, etc has been off.  Greg had the first 3 nights of this week away, and I had two of them away, so I had toast for dinner several nights:).  I also added several new young women to meet with weekly.  Greg’s good friends from college, Todd and Brian, are in town this weekend, and it has been great to hear him laugh and be silly with them in their banter.  Friends that stand the test of time are such a gift.  

     All of these things are a part of the life of which I am extremely grateful.  I am grateful for the beauty of pouring into others with the hope of the gospel.  I am grateful for the quality of relationships we have in our lives–the opportunity to be “with” people and give our lives away.  However, this afternoon, I am really grateful for my soft pajamas, the computer, warm blankets, my gracious husband, and my crazy dog.  It is time for some rest.

     The lack of blogging lately has come from the exhaustion of the mind.  I have been “present” with so many in the real world that I have not connected with the cyber one!  

      I got the opportunity to study for several hours yesterday on how Jesus and the new testament writers prayed for others.  It was such a blessing.  Reminders poured forth to remember my brothers and sisters in thanksgiving to God and to constantly pray for them.  The prayers about others were also steeped in the truth and the gospel for the strengthening and fruit in Christ.  I pray that today for you who follow this blog.  I am thankful for you–for the exact arenas God has placed you for his specific purposes.  I pray that God point you to Christ here and strengthen you to endure and serve in the hope of Christ.  I pray that your hope be in NOTHING other than his truth and the grace and love that come in Him–not your family or looks or job or finances or status or anything.  

‘But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.  Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.  For his sake, I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish in order that I might gain Christ, and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes from faith, the righteousness of God that depends on faith.’  Phil 3:7-9

      It is no mistake that these are the verses we have been memorizing this week.  His word is so rich, and the Spirit teaches us faithfully as we cling to it.

See Bailey…

      For those of you who know us, you are well aware of our Boxer Bailey.  Lately, she has been a handful.  Before we got her, we had our back forest cleared  and  connected a wood fence to all our neighbors chain link fences.  In the last few months, she has been the neighborhood phenomenon climbing over many a chain link fence.  It is pretty amazing to see.

       We have tried cheap remedies–rabbit wire twisted in a concoction over the chain link fences, a shock collar (which she found to be nothing but a minor annoyance), and watching her with an eagle eye (I mean, what am I, a stay at home dog mom?).  Yesterday signaled the end of the line…let’s put it in the ole “See Spot Run” story line.

11:30 am

      See Bailey run.  See Bailey scale the fence.  See Bailey scale another fence.  See Bailey chase the neighbor dog, Jordan….into her house…her owner’s house.  See Jen look for Bailey.  See the neighbor inform Jen that Bailey has been their house guest.  See Jen mortified.  See Jen throw her hands up.

5:30 pm

    See Bailey run.  See Bailey scale the fence.  See Bailey scale another fence.  See Bailey chase and provoke other neighbor dogs with her stealth and speed.  See Bailey chase the neighbors cat into their house (not the same as before).  See the neighbor laugh at the spectacle.  See Jen and Greg throw their hands up.  See Jen and Greg get a loan for a wood fence.  

9 pm

     See Bailey snoozing exhausted on the couch.  It has been a great day!

The perspective of the heart

     The last few weeks, I have been praying and concentrating heartily to guard my heart against anxiety and thinking on things that send me in a tailspin.  The particular thing the last few weeks has been fertility.  God has been gracious beyond belief to help me stay in the day, not panicking or thinking ahead.  (This is really personal to post, but I feel I should.)  

      Last night signaled a little tailspin.  I realized that I was not pregnant this month after another procedure.  The last two weeks I had been praying for my hope to be in Christ and not circumstance–and it really has been.  I think all perspective went out the window last night and today, though.  Dreams about it, panic about feeling left behind, all of these things blend together for self-pity.  Self-pity is wrong.  Period.  It means I am not sharing with God my heart and not trusting him.  He is in control of my womb.  He has reasons.  For all that he has shown me and done in me, I trust him.  I just get sad when I lose perspective so easily.  I realized as I was praying this morning that subconsciously I thought “if I have a good attitude about this, it will come.”  Like I could get rewarded for a work of a good attitude…like I could manipulate God.    I had forgotten the gospel in the midst.  I had forgotten God’s gracious and compassionate and faithful character.  

     God was gracious this morning to me as my Father.  I was reminded of all of the women who are in the groups I am leading this year.  There are 6 women that I have been around (5 in groups and one a mentor) and I am grateful to see their heart for their grown children.  I have been privy to see their heartache and their joys, their anxieties and their prayers.  It is so easy to forget the other side of this whole thing.  It becomes a challenge to see…will I ever get pregnant?  And then, I see the complexities of raising children, the heartaches when they go the opposite way you desire, the worry that multiplies as they make tragic mistakes.  I see the pain and joy that comes in child-rearing.  I also see, in each of these women, that their hope is not in their children or their husband but in God the Father, the Spirit and Jesus.  The more relationships that are added to our lives (whether husbands, wives, children, disciples, ailing parents, neighbors, friends), the more we see the need to trust God more and relinquish our “control.”  We see our need for him alone.  So, whether it’s waiting for children in his plan or raising them–our hope is not in them, but in Christ.  

        I have memorized Psalm 73:25-26 this week–”Whom have I in heaven but you?  And there is nothing on earth I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

     He reminded me that my flesh may fail…my body might not be acting like I want it to….my heart may fail in it’s perspective, but He is my hope.  He is my peace.  He is the strength of my heart and my portion forever regardless of circumstance, regardless of emotion, regardless of my faithfulness.  So, for right now, I am sad (and that’s okay), but my mind and heart are renewed in his truth.  I will need to be renewed daily (Romans 12:2).  I am also reminded to be thankful for all the opportunities he has presented me with to love and pour into women.