Isolation: The Devil’s Playground

The more I age and mature as a woman, the more I see we remain the same. By that, I mean, we have some of the same insecurities as that of a 3rd grade girl who wants to feel included, wants to feel valued, wants to be invited to sit at the table for lunch but does not feel that anyone sees her.
Looking back over my life, in each transition, there have been times of loneliness, self-doubt, and glowing insecurities. Whether it was a day camp my parents sent me to as a 5th grader at Ridgecrest conference center, the first year of college where I felt I was my own personal marketer of who I really was (ie. “I’m Jennifer, I love Jesus, I can be fun, and please be my friend–I’m lost here”), the first few years out of college where I felt totally lost without a plan or spouse, marriage and the isolation in friendships that may bring, to crossing over from young adulthood to early mid-adulthood where we are in the in-between of not having children where everyone else does.
In my studies of others, do you know what is crazy? I think women tend to feel that isolation in every season and think they are the only ones. They may even be surrounded by “friends” but not connecting from the heart. They may feel they are playing a role, but do not even really know themselves. Most of the time, as women, they sit in silence with their imaginations raging–”I’m lonely–no one ever told me having a child is so hard and isolating.” “I thought I would have my answers met in marriage–I did not know how much I would long for connection with other women.” “Does my husband even care who I am?” “Everyone is leaving me behind, and they do not understand or care.” “I live alone. If I choked on a chicken bone, would anyone care or know?” (aka Liz Lemon from 30 Rock) “I think I am the only one who struggles with ______, am I even a Christian?”
God has blessed me with women around me who are real–who have shared those thoughts about marriage, about children, about eating disorders, about lust, about temptations, about sexual disfunction in marriage, about jealousy. He has in turn, blessed me with being able to share those thoughts out loud. Do you know what happens when you share them out loud and ask for help? Their power is shattered. Satan, The Accuser, cannot steal us from God’s hand if we are in Christ, but he can isolate and accuse us. We are meant to live in community, in a body, but this world today is all about isolation (Facebook, Blogs, email, texting, tv, internet shopping, small families, etc). My greatest fear is the age when I have teenagers who want to retreat into text messaging and pseudo realities instead of knowing how to live, walk and struggle in real relationships. A whole generation is in college right now on the cusp of adulthood, and they have grown up that way.
I long to be real and teach others to cling to Christ in the midst of pain, struggle, and questions. It is only in Him that we are made whole. He, in turn, brings us into a new community that we can be real and struggle with. When you say it aloud, you never know who will speak up and identify with exactly where you are walking. Two are better than one. Speaking up allows for light to shine in the darkness of that isolation…for truth to shatter the accusations…for love to cover over a multitude of sins. Speaking up allows for others to follow suit. Where are you isolated and need to speak today?

And, your name is…?

Friday the 13th I had surgery (sorry to the superstitious types). They found some endometriosis and removed it. So, this past week has been much slower than normal. So, there has been some time to think and sleep and be served by my Greg.
Ever had one of those thoughts that just makes you stop and go aha? (I guess some would call that an epiphany.) I had one of those this week. I have most important thoughts in the shower–don’t know why.
One of my “curses” in life is always remembering people’s names and stories. (Greg’s curse is that he has a hard time remembering my name). I will run into someone in the grocery store I knew some random month of my life and call them by name, and they will look at me like I am crazy. It does not feel good for others not to remember you, but I am used to it now. My favorite game to play is “where do I know you from” whether it be on movies or in real life. I have several contexts to draw upon–hometown, family friends, college and the various circles I ran in, Centrifuge, Hendersonville after college, Texas, Greg’s speaking circuit, grad school, Knoxville, work world, Fellowship church world, Refuge in Nashville, women I have lead in Bible study, CAK students and parents, and the myriad college students that have come through Crossroad, etc. Sometimes I can drive myself crazy, but most of the time, I remember.
I guess I have seen it as a gift to make people feel special by remembering their name and what their story is,
but not useful in a grand scheme. As I was thinking the other day, it is like God showed me the worth of that gift and how it is from Him. I am in a position now where I lead women of all ages and have contact with women around the area. I can only be in deep relationship with few, but I have people all the time who ask for someone to disciple them, who are open to discipling someone else or who are struggling with a need but do not even know that they need to be connected. Just in the past month, those matches have been made frequently from me remembering the struggles and stories from women in different cities and towns from Knoxville to Athens to Memphis. A light bulb went off in my head and I saw there is a kingdom purpose for this gift that he has given me. It is not a curse. It serves as a blessing to strengthen the growth of others in a small way. I began thinking about how Greg remembers everything he has ever read or watched (which is amazing because I do not) and how that serves a kingdom purpose in teaching.
All of this to say, you never know what random talent you might have that is of worth and importance to the kingdom. Do not overlook how you are made. All of these working together strengthen the body. It was a gift to see that it was not about me but about helping others.

Will we…

Today, I had the privilege of reading this article. I loved the combination of the recognition of the Truth, the wrestling of the heart, and the commitment to the Truth in that wrestling. It is such a picture of walking with Christ.
This week, one of the themes has been being authentic about struggle. I sat in a room of women on Tuesday morning and asked “where have you seen God working this week?” There were as many answers as there were women. They shared deeply and authentically of God’s faithfulness in the midst of pain, frustration, confusion. This was not the kind of example that I had necessarily grown up with. I was taught to keep your struggles private and be strong. Little did I know the type of heart struggles adults really have. Many times the sin of others and ourselves so complicate and isolate our lives. Just because we are followers of Christ, we are not free from the consequence of sin and struggle with it. There are deep hurts and chasms of loneliness. This article touches on a man that struggles with following God and desiring a homosexual relationship. I thank God for his candor and for friends that have come alongside him to listen, pray and walk.
I was reminded that we are all a mess, but only those who choose to open up and share that mess begin to experience life as we are made to be in the body. I am thankful for the struggles and pain in my life because I am more sensitive to the needs and struggles in others. When young, I wanted to seem perfect to others so they would respect and lean on me. Now, I have seen there is strength in Him in weakness. Relationships are so much richer and deeper and redeeming when struggles can be shared and prayed through. I have also seen that more people come to you when they know you have experienced pain.
Pain and struggle can unite or divide us. It divides us when we want to hide and we are afraid of what others will say. There is no more isolating feeling when you are ashamed that you are the only one that struggles with a desire or committed a certain sin or are in a dire situation that no one else has shared they had been in. The enemy loves for us to swim in that fear and anxiety. There is no more comforting feeling than to hear one be honest about a struggle that you have felt alone in…a permission is given to be authentic. There are safe people and safe places to share. One who knows the depth of their sin and the depth of God’s grace will walk beside you because they are your brother or sister–they know the name of the struggle may be different but the nature of the struggle is the same.
So, what can we do to be the church, to authentically love others in the truth? Remember the gospel. Listen. Pray. Be there for others. Know that things will come your way that may make you uncomfortable–that you may not have an easy answer for. There may be such grief in walking with a friend that makes your head swim. Being renewed in God’s truth and asking for the strength that is in the grace of Christ Jesus is our hope. Life is not tied up in a neat tidy package, but God is faithful beyond belief. Also, remember that accepting someone and accepting sin are two different things. The last thing we need to do is preach a sermon, but there is truth and God is bigger than our struggle. Ignoring truth to accept someone just as they “are” is not grace. God does not do that to us…he does so much more. Grace is remembering the gospel–that we deserve wrath and God poured it on Christ that we may be made new and have relationship with Him. Through Christ, our sins (gossip, malice, adultery, lying, murder, homosexuality, sexual immorality, stealing, slandering, etc) are forgiven if we have faith in his work on the cross. We must learn to live in and give that grace to others as walk together to pursue holiness.
I pray that if you are alone in a struggle right now that you would pray for someone to share that with. It is scary, but when light sheds itself in a dark room, hope comes.

A rest from technology

This is a challenging article about our lives and various forms of technology that we live “in.” I began last year at some point to try to take a break from the computer over the weekends. That has moved more into just on Sundays, now. But, I cannot tell you how freeing it is. Our hearts are so crowded with useless mess that creates anxiety that we do not know the joy of simply being with others and God. This is an area that I want to grow in so much. Our hearts were not created to live in this vacuum that technology brings, and we are the only ones that make the decision as to how we spend our time and energies. Think about it.

The right words at the right time

      A few years ago, my sister, Lynn, gave me a book entitled The Right Words at the Right Time.  It is a book that has essays from celebrities in which they describe great advice that they had gotten in their lives.  The title of that book came to me yesterday morning as I saw how God had shepherded me so warmly by giving me the right words at the right time this weekend. 

      On Saturday morning, I had the privilege of attending a conference at Cornerstone Church where Jerry Bridges, one of my favorite writers, spoke.  He spoke on the Sovereignty of God, The Goodness of God and the Discipline of God.  The messages were steeped in God’s word, and they served as a great reminder to me of my Father’s trustworthiness and faithfulness.  Not only did I hear God’s word, but I heard from a man who has lived 79 years and has lived the message he spoke in 3D.  He did not merely present theories, but he experienced God’s complete control and goodness in his first wife’s death from cancer, in physical disabilities, and in the ins and outs of everyday life and ministry.  The firm gentleness of delivery and the confidence in God’s word was a blessing to sit under.  There were no revolutionary new things I learned, but there were firm reminders from my Heavenly Father of His truth and His care for me. 

      On Sunday morning I awoke to find that I was not pregnant again.  Ironically, I smiled.  The reminders of truth that were spoken over me the day before rang true in my heart.  God is over everything in my life…every single detail.  He has purpose in His ways.  He is good and has the good of making me more like Him in mind in every turn.  I can trust Him more than I can trust my feelings and my “ways” and desires.  There is distinct purpose in this time and my struggle with infertility.  He is infinitely wiser and truer than any earthly desire I may have.  I can look back and see how he is growing me in maturity through this process.  Even if there is not a nice wrapped up package of reasons “why” this is happening, I trust the One who sent His son to give us  (me) life by living a perfectly righteous life and taking my punishment (bearing God’s wrath) for my selfishness and sinful rebellion against God on the cross.  That is the truest and best gift ever.  Jesus is my hope and salvation and purpose.  There was a sense of freedom to go into worship yesterday morning and be able to trust Him fully and say “You are all that I need,” period.  I was thankful His truth lead me to worship Him in joy and not to be wound up pitying myself.  It was of Him and not of me.  His gospel and work in us is truly our only need.

     Does the light of this truth change my desires for a child? No.  Does it wipe away my sadness?  No.  It does redirect my trust and thoughts, though.  It does point my heart toward trust in God and not circumstances.  It does provide rest in my soul instead of panic.  We continue to pray for a child and pray for trust to grow in our hearts in God.  We know that a child is not our hope and purpose–God is.

     I invite you to listen to these messages to be reminded of the faithfulness of God.  This link takes you to the church website.  Then click media and seminars and then, Jerry Bridges.