A full heart…

I just finished some time this morning in Philippians. Wow. How easily we forget what our lives are about. In Philippians, Paul writes as an imprisoned man.
If I wrote from prison, I think my letter would be quite depressing. “The food here is awful…You would never believe what the people talk about…I get harassed non-stop…I’m depressed…I’m innocent and it’s not fair that I am here!” You can imagine your own letter.
However, Paul writes this amazing letter encouraging the Philippian church in his own suffering as they are also called to suffer for the gospel and the sake of Christ. His perspective in God-entranced instead of man-focused. He even says that he is glad that the prison guards are now able to hear the gospel. His heart and mind are so truth focused. Most people have looked at chapter 2 of Philippians where he talks about the humility and example of Christ, thinking of others before yourself, etc. I guess we can look at it as theory, but he lives it as reality. He is in prison thinking about the Philippian church and spurring them on to faithful lives in Christ for His gospel. When he talks in chapter 3 about counting all things as loss for the sake of Christ and for the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus His Lord. He is not talking in generalities but specifics–he did not have his freedom. In chapter 4 when he says rejoice always in the Lord and do not be anxious–he was living that out in God’s power. When he says think on things that are true, excellent, praiseworthy, noble, etc, he has shown that example in the whole letter. When he says in chapter 3 that he has learned the secret of being content in all circumstances, he is living it right there in front of us. Do you think that is a life of loving God with all his heart, mind and strength? Uh, Yes! The same Spirit in Paul is in those who have repented of their sin and put their faith in Christ’s work on the cross.
Just as Paul was imprisoned to minister the gospel there, we are each in whatever season we are in to minister the gospel and give God glory where we are. We know that He is about sanctifying us (that’s His will–1 Thes 4:3), but He is also doing a work beyond us–for the body who know Him and who are to know Him. Our lives are not our own.
As I have been walking through infertility and writing about it here, my prayer is that others have seen the gospel–the power of God–an example. Not that I am bearing perfectly, but this is bigger than having a baby. Those circumstantial things are not the ends in our lives. Each thing serves as the means by which Christ is exalted. Our lives are not our own.
There are many different seasons of joy and hardship in our lives. Yours may be an impossible marriage with one who does not know Christ. There is purpose beyond yourself and your happiness in it. Yours may be wayward children, disabled children, and unfulfilling job. My friend, it is bigger than just you.
Greg, my husband, always says “how are people to know how to deal with suffering…such as sickness, death, divorce, etc, if Christians do not live that example out?” We are not immune from suffering, but He is faithful and has purpose. Is it easy? HA! NO! But how are people to know the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus if the reality of life on this earth is not lived out by those who are being transformed by Christ in hope?
The awesome thing about Philippians is Paul is in a place of suffering living out the very truth he is preaching. It is not theory–it’s fact. How gracious of God to show us examples in Paul…in Christ…in David…in Ruth…etc, etc. All but Christ were humans, but all had–”Christ in them, the Hope of Glory.” We in Christ are empowered with the Spirit to remind us of truth, to strengthen us with the power that raised Christ from the dead, to give us hope in Him instead of anxiety, to teach us to rejoice in the midst of suffering.
May we live in the reality of Christ in whatever circumstance we are in–knowing “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

*Note…in no way I am encouraging you to think that your circumstance does not count…God bears with you as a loving Father through it. However, it is not about the circumstance just going away–it is about much more. Bring your mind to reflect on His truth.

A hidden talent…

I have a hidden talent that I have honed all my life. Depending upon the season of life and circumstances, I could be called an expert. This talent is not something to be proud of. It is not healthy or truthful. It involves self-worship, and it does not produce fruit that lasts and encourages.
That talent is worry. I can tell you where all the verses are found to encourage releasing my anxiety to God–Matthew 6, Philippians 4, 1 Peter 5. I have even worried about worrying so much. It is a talent that has been passed down in my family including worrying about what others think, worrying about doing things perfectly, worrying about what happens next, worrying about how I am coming across. I am a firm believer in God’s sovereignty, but if I am a worrier, do I really believe?
In Crazy Love by Francis Chan he explains that

‘worry implies that we don’t quite trust God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives.’

’stress says that things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control.’

This sentence got me–’ basically, these two behaviors communicate that it’s okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life in somehow exceptional.’ Gulp.
More than any sin, I think we can encourage one another to worry. There is this fine line between listening to someone vent and feeding mistrust in God.
Lately, I might be sounding like a broken record with infertility. I am given the opportunity every day to walk in my hidden talent or walk by trusting in his grace and strength. More than any situation in my life, I have been reminded that I am not in control. (I think marriage to Greg has taught me that, too) I cannot open my womb–no amount of hormones or standing on my head or old wives tales can create life. Even no amount of worrying prayer and bargaining with God will bring life to my womb. You know what I mean by worrying prayer—”God will make it happen if I pray in this way with these people and I pray enough and I try to be as good and trusting as I can.” Let me know how that works because there are 13 year old girls and drug addicts not praying who get pregnant every day. We, as believers, are not given what we “deserve” in life (good or bad)–God is a wonderfully mysterious God of grace. My greatest worry is probably Greg’s age and mine–”how will I be a good mom when I am older? what if I die and leave my children? what if it is not convenient or too hard? what if I have quadruplets?” You get the picture.
Here’s the problem, I think I am god. And, that is a huge problem–I have put another god before Him and have made an idol. In the words of Dr. Phil, “how’s that working for me?” The problem then is not the circumstance of infertility. The problem is my adulterous heart that is looking somewhere else and worshipping someone other than the amazing Lord that is my King. It is not okay to worry. Like any other sin, I must confess and repent and remember the forgiveness of the cross. I choose to remember the truth that Christ is my righteousness–he trusted the Father perfectly. I admit that I am a poor god, and I am reminded of His character–infinitely faithful (I am finitely fickle). Then, my sin is exchanged for worship and awe.
Chan expounds that worry and stress ‘declare our tendency to forget that we have been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won’t be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God’s strength, our problems are small, indeed.’
Who is God? Creator, Sustainer of life, Redeemer, Deliverer, Giver of life, Just, Merciful Father, Good, The only one worthy to be praised, Everlasting, Sovereign…and much more.
His purposes are high above ours–and better than our finite wishes, and He invites us with Him. The problem–we cling to our finite wishes and treasures instead of letting the debris go and trusting His character. These last few weeks I have been faced with the temptation for anxiety at every turn, but I can say that I have been purposefully looking to Him for TODAY and trusting Him for TODAY. I do not want to borrow worries from tomorrow, and I have enjoyed today more than worrying about tomorrow (not perfectly). This is His grace because I have been on hormones that I have made me irritable and cloudy and tired. May I remember His faithfulness and trust His ways above my own understanding! Maybe I can develop some helpful hidden talents with the time that I would have been worrying!

Where has the time gone?

Summer was just beginning, and now it’s gone. Poof, and I am much more tired than when it began. How can that be? Summer is traditionally the time for rest in our house. During the school year, there are at least 2-3 nights a week where one or both of us are gone, and we cherish summer nights where we can be at home together.
This is the first year we have been married that Greg had only one week of camp (this was on purpose). When we first were married, he traveled full time, and I went with him across the country in the summer because I was off in the summers as a school counselor. Our first year, we were at a camp in the middle of Texas, the beach several times (maybe even 3 that year), and in Colorado. I was gung ho to meet and develop relationships with teenagers. That desire then changed to developing relationships with college leaders. I realized that the teenagers could really care less if I was there or not and needed to be bonding with their leaders that were with them all the time:). There is something that becomes carefree about me when I am away from home and traveling. I relax. Ironically, Greg tenses up away from home. We are not compatible in all ways:).
Since Greg has been full time at Fellowship, he has been doing camps and conferences about 3 weeks a summer. I was choosy going to the beach and fun locations like New Mexico (where we met). With Rheumatoid Arthritis coming last year, his schedule is slowing down. If he had a full schedule this summer, he would have had an even crazier wife than he already has right now!
My favorite things about this summer: (not in order of importance)

1. Vegetables growing well in my backyard–tomatoes, squash and jalapenos (next summer, okra and cukes too!)
2. The beach trip with WDC girls
3. Meeting Davis and Lilly Claire Winn (they came in with a surprising and scary bang)
4. Brittany and Ben’s wedding
5. Seeing God bring so many young women for fall for me to meet with and disciple–8, yes 8!
6. Conquering regularly mowing and weed eating the yard! I learned new skills!
7. Beaching with my mom and getting to be with family and friends at Satilla in late May
8. Celebrating 8 years of marriage with Greg and eating the absolute best steak I have ever put in my mouth!
9. Being grateful for deep friendships near and far that God has blessed me with
10. Everyday being grateful for my husband’s graciousness and love toward me–I have given him several reasons
this summer to need to share it (banging my car into his two days ago, being crazy with hormones, being
more busy than I can keep up with)

As the fall approaches, I pray that I can rest in Christ instead of stubbornly trying to use my own energy. In fact, I really don’t have any excess energy! There are many new relationships that I am beginning in ministry with young women from WDC. In fact, 5 young women will be new that I am discipling. I pray God give me the love and discernment to pour in well.
I also begin a new and last phase of infertility treatments this week. I am pretty anxious about them, even though I am trying to relax. The treatments involve everyday or every other day doctor visits and shots, so it will be hard to relax and forget when it is in your face 24-7. Sometimes you know in your mind that God is in control of every minute detail, but your heart lags behind in trust. I am praying that I remember that and be fortified with truth. My prayer has been that I take each day as a blessing from God and obey him and love him in the midst not worrying about tomorrow. (Some moments I remember this:))
I have been a very inconsistent blogger this summer because of busyness and heavy heart. I don’t simply want to write about infertility and the heaviness of that every time. I guess it has been evident that that struggle has moved into the forefront. In all of this, I am very grateful for the life God has given me right now. These struggles will pass and others will come. O, how I look forward to the day of completion in Christ when all of the pain and struggles of this life (because of our sin) will be no more! That is something way better than summer!