Slowing Down

After the last intense blog, I feel like a need to put people at ease. (Trying to package it again:)) I do want to give an update:
Last year or so I picked up a book recommended to me by my friend, Melba. I did not read it then, but God reminded me of it as I got to the end of myself in pain the other day. The book is written by Larry Crabb and called Shattered Dreams. It is a very timely read for me. This is not a book to make me feel better, but it is a book that encouraged me to enter the pain instead of numb and run from it. The writer encourages us that God shatters our lesser dreams that we might know the greater dream of Him and live in true joy in Him–this is a time consuming process of trust in Him. I know that many in pain would go–”uh, that’s not cool. I just want to feel better,” and I get that–believe me. That is our instant gratification, god is there to serve me, sinful heart talking. It is a longer book than that sentence though as he traces Naomi’s journey in the book of Ruth.
Our lives and hearts are not a quick fix, and we are created for more than we see in front of us. I have been reading this book slowly throughout the last few weeks. I got the chance to go with my sister to her lake house to study and be quiet for a portion of last weekend. I am trying to take those times more instead of running from them as God calls me to be real with Him. My pain has not been erased, but I continue in the journey continually seeing God’s faithfulness in so many ways.
On this journey I am journeying with others who are in pain. My friend, Melba told me about a conference that a friend of hers attended that talked about leaving a legacy to your children of how to suffer well. Wow. I have never heard that topic passed on! I loved it, though. That is what I want to pass on to these young women I disciple–a Biblical understanding and experience of suffering well. Why do we think we are immune when in scripture it proclaims the opposite? We walk in Christ–who suffered for our sake. Through sufferings we so learn who HE is and commune with who He is. We are made into the image of Christ. Easy? Uh, no.
As I reflect back to the last five years, I have had the most intense suffering of my life. I have never grown so much or known Him so much through my Dad’s sickness and death, marriage, infertility. I have really seen God’s faithfulness and character and love. I WOULD not trade it for things that sometimes tempt me– a big house, two perfect kids, spa days every week, luxurious vacations and a husband who bends to my every whim for I would have missed the meaning in life–Christ. My reward is not here–repeat–not here.
One of my girls just sent me this scripture:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a LIVING HOPE through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith–more precious that gold that perishes though it is tested by fire–may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Christ Jesus. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1 Peter 1:3-9

No packages here…

This continues to be an intense season of pain, and truthfully, I do not like it. Yesterday, God brought me to a place where I had to cry out for help to be able to process the pain in some way. My tears that flow easily for the pain of others do not flow easily for my individual pain. I texted my friend Beth that I was cry constipated. There is this burning sorrow within me that I know needs to be experienced or I am going to totally shut down. (She suggested a sappy hallmark movie to get the tears flowing.)
It is ironic that in the month that I felt a peace in taking time off of our infertility treatments, I have the most intense sadness. What do I want? Well…I want the pain to go away. That is the immediate want. I want to live my life devoid of the emotions of sadness and anger that seem to be plaguing my heart. “God, could you do that so I can get on about your business?” What I am learning…this is His business…this process of sadness and barrenness and lack of whys to explain everything away. He does not work in the way that I want Him to work. He is so much wiser and has a much better purpose than making me feel better about life–a deeper truer life-changing purpose.
I sat with a dear friend who is heartbroken last week, and finally admitted that the older I get the more messy life gets. Messy in that I cannot package a “why” for everything–even in retrospect. It makes me feel safe to try to figure God out…”oh, He is doing this so He can do this and so this will happen…and He gets the most glory this way because life is about His glory.” I do know His word says that we are to live to glorify Him and that He is making us more like Him progressively…and He is the victor. However, things along the way are not that neat because of a little thing called sin–the consequences of it played out in this world–in my heart–in families–in my womb. I realize as well that I am afraid of other’s reaction to my pain…I would rather package it neatly with an answer than to have to experience people not knowing what to say or running away or saying something hurtfully stupid.
I finally admitted to myself and God that I want a biological child, and the longer this thing goes and we get to the end of treatments, the more the reality of that seems bleak. I want to be able to shoulder all of this with a good neat attitude, but I am a bit of a mess. And, I am learning that God wants me to be a mess in Him–sharing my heart–walking with Him.
So, if you came today to read a neatly packaged story of life to gain a tidbit of wisdom–I am sorry. This is the work He is doing–and this is me not quite understanding it.